More moaning about my heart problem

Everything came too easily to him...Hubble Gardner in the Way We Were (which I was watching tonight on my little android box)

The Buddhists have so many beautiful ideas about life.

However this idea that its better not to be attached to anything in life because the pain will be to great when it is taken away,( like everything is inevitably taken away) is wrong in my eyes.

The pain is worth it....to love madly, to devour, to laugh and to smile with full abandon. I feel that we have to understand how balance works and be prepared for the challenges that are always around the next corner.  There is no real way to be prepared, just flow with them as much as you can.  We have to live and love to the extreme, in the most childlike inspired way possible.

Breakups are awful. As a man, one would think I shouldn't be as sensitive to all the memories and emotions, and just let my male libido and monkey mind lead me into some new pleasurable and complicated situation. But no, I lay here alone...which is fine.

I have some regrets that bother me though. I was not able to live at full speed due to this fucking serious heart problem of mine, and my ex was extremely frustrated as I moved through the world in semi slow motion and with a chip on my shoulder.  I was sober but depressed and feeling imprisoned. I needed to find a way to live with more energy and passion and do it despite of my cardiovascular excuses. But I didn't. A film project would briefly bring me back out of my doldrums.

Ultimately instead of figuring out how to bring some more money into the relationship, I decided that being apart would me better for both our mental health. Therapy might have been a better

option.

On another note, I am extremely lucky that I am still alive, and I thank all my friends and family for their support.  To my ex, thank you for all the good things you did for 6 years, that was an incredible amount of love you gave.

I have a sometimes scary but mostly inspiring life story to write that will include some beautiful and talented people. Life hurts like hell, but it is such a blast, I just hope I can do the next 10 years the right way...whatever that means.

Rick
December 3/2016

Hammered for 7300 days straight

I love this photo of my grandfather watching TV in the house I grew up in.  I remember it well, there is my crib in the background. Strange but cool. Just around the corner in the kitchen would be my grandmother cleaning up from dinner or making some desert.



So I realized that I haven't really told anybody  that I have this Blog and that infrequently I will show up here. Obviously at some point in the future I will lead some chosen person down these posts, I will say, "take a look at some of my thoughts, back in 2012"
I have no idea if they will connect to anything.




One of the ideas that I keep reflecting on this week...is the queston: Can you reverse engineer INSPIRATION?

In other words, can you manufacture emotional enthusiasm in your life? If you feel bored and detached can you use some sort of technique to override the minds natural tendency to be lazy or to settle and disconnect.

A book called Rebooting says that it's actually a lack of desire that causes depression and not the other way around. The book describes the four levels of desire:

1)  No desire at all
2)  Trying:  We're giving it a shot, but not with everything we've got.
3)  Going the extra mile:  We're making a sincere effort and keeping focused on the goal.
4)  Making it happen no matter what:  We do everything in our power to attain the object of desire.  No other outcome will do.

Most people function at the Trying level. People with depression at level 1.

I am currently involved in two projects One is as a new ad sales guy for a cruise and lifestyles magazine.The other is an actor/model who is trying to be better at the craft .

However there is a third project that I keep procrastinating on.

It's a memoir of my addiction days called "Hammered for 7300 days straight" (20 years ... which is accurate)
I know there is a strong story here with scary and deadly plot twists, and a semi uplifting ending.

Some of the scenes that will have the reader on the floor with me and will be the crowd pleasing...Handcuffed to a hospital bed as two officers watch me 24 hrs a day, as I wait for my heart operation. (all drinking and drug inspired)

Meeting my future girlfriend for the first time drunk and then in the morning as I accompany her to the bus so she can go back to University, I need to stop into the nearest hospital to detox because I feel like I am going to go into a seizure from drinking for 2 weeks solid and hard.

Being taken hostage by some strong dangerous criminal I had never met. I had to give him money so he would release me on his way to his court date.

Coming out of a stint in rehab and getting involved with a young crack user.

Flying across the country hammered into Vancouver Island and surprising some concerned friends I hadn't seen in 10 years. While I was there with my empty wallet, I was in terrible shape and ended up in jail after I insulted some police officers who had come to my hotel room.

Dying on a hospital table during a heart appointment I had asked for.


The list goes on. You see, there is an interesting read here and perhaps a film. I just need to focus and become inspired by the story of my life.

I am of course sober now for a few years and generally very grateful. But inspired?

The law of attraction? (is it even real)should I imagine the book already completed? Should I imagine that the work that it takes every day will be a walk in the park emotionally? Should I visualize the book on the shelves and think of my book tour?
Should I connect with a source energy (big buzz word) that i wish really existed in all of its glory?

I don't have the answer, I think i should just start writing a couple of pages a day until I have a couple of chapters and go from there. That's it, no need to intellectualize anything, just start writing.
I suppose that is what I will do.

Cheers,



Rick

I am an extra in your life

Here are some random things I wrote down on my phone this week:
(A week that featured Hillary Clinton's emails being linked to Anthony Weiner)

We keep trying to arrange our lives and schedules so we can have a "perfect moment" again.
The perfect moment...the perfect view...the perfect meeting or date.
The moments that originally made us feel alive and connected...revisited. Making memories that don't seem to last, except in some vague area of the mind.

There's a whole world out there...of freedoms and environments we have never experienced...people we have never talked to or been influenced by.  There's your new thoughts...waiting in the wings...waiting to take you forward.

These are themes I have touched on before. It fascinates me how every being out there is running their own personal movie in their head where they are the protagonist and star and everybody else is just the cast, and of course you can't really experience more than one reality at a time...

Here is something cool on this that a friend posted today:

Good intentions are the most beautiful of secrets...

Rickxo (running his own movie all the time)

PEACE IN SYRIA OR WORLD WAR 3?

I am extremely concerned about the cold war like tensions between the US and Russia right now. There is an article in the Independent saying the Turkish president has said that we are getting very close to World War 3.

With the whole spectacle that is going on with the presidential race and the mainstream media focusing on whether Trump is really grabbing pussy or not...it is sickening to me that the real danger is creeping up.

What kind of world is this, where we see footage of bombs being dropped on Aleppo and children crying out for their parents with blood dripping off their face.
What are these wars accomplishing? Are we just barbaric animals with no fucking conscience?

I personally have great anxiety when I realize that I have been fighting to stay alive and lead a positive life and that some warmongering generals want to kill off me and all my fellow man as well.

Or there is always the great possibility of an accident. Somebody mistakes  a US plane for a Russian one and the nuclear code is being pushed.  It just absolute insanity.

I feel personally that I have no control of anything that happens in this crazy world.  We can all drop dead at any time, by natural causes or by some catastrophic event generated by who knows what.

A nuclear war would kill millions of people and animals and plants and forests and oceans. Its all just too much to deal with really. 

So for now I will go back to watching a new show Westworld, which deals with facade of meaning in your environment and in the bigger picture. 

What can the meaning possibly be for the children that are being systematically murdered by the war machine? (there is certainly no intervening God watching over these people)

Scary and sickening.

PEACE...

Auditions and Adrenaline.

At an acting workshop this weekend there was a lady with 40 years in the casting business who was saying some very nice things about my appearance in front of 23 people. "Now Rick is a very good looking man, we need men that look like this"... It really fed my dwindling sense of confidence as I was surrounded with so many passionate and gifted 20 somethings.

My acting had been mediocre that day, i will blame it partially on nerves, but I just wasn't very good. There were others there that had that special something that made you take notice. Why did I wait so long to actually study this craft? I always found it so interesting and such a good way to analyze how you deal with feelings and movement and speech.

(A couple of weeks ago, I had my craziest audition yet. I was thrown into the role of a Therapist, and my young Asian patient was very upset. Apparently I was behaving inappropriately. In the second scene she pretended to bind my hands up before losing her mind and slitting my throat. Talk about adrenaline. She was great in the role and got 3 callbacks before ultimately losing the role to another actress. In the last part, the British director was saying to me..."now beg for your life" )

Now I damn well know that looks fade, and that in my 50s, in a world that feeds so much upon consumption and image, I am a goner in the near future at best. That's where the actual craft comes in dumbass. (Never mind that I always worry if my weak heart will be able to perform under the injection of adrenaline that these auditions in front of a group can bring)

I have decided to follow this course up with another one that focuses on something called the Meisner technique, which is all about listening to your scene partner and a kind of sinking into the moment. There is also alot about repetition. Repetition when I blew my memory out with Alcohol many years ago.

For me, this is all new, and I will try to just focus on learning my lines and delivering them at this point.

I move into a new apartment in the next month and that brings with it a sense of the new and fresh. In a strange twist of fate, my building is close to my old high school. Bizarre, but the least of my worries.

I am still feeling lucky and grateful for the opportunities after so many life and death experiences in the last decade. This should be fun.

My writing is on the dull side today, but I wanted to just get something down, complete something.

One final note, I am thinking that my new space in the city will be filled with jazz and classical music and exotic foreign films. This idea excites me going forward.

Peace out from Orillia Ontario,

Rick

HEY OLD MAN....You are playing her father

There's a pool sitting out there. A solitary pool. A fucking heated pool. Perhaps I should plop my old ass in there.




What a perfect day. We got heat, we got recognition of self. We got a couple of animals running around. A couple of needy squirrels.




We got people responding to you . A new acting workshop. A place called EDEN down the street in Leaside.




So I had this wild audition this week for a fitness watch.

When I walked into the room with a young african Canadian actor guy. There was a young blonde actress sitting there that reminded me of a young grace kelly. I was told that I was her FATHER. WTF.

I can't possibly be old enough to play her father? Oh maybe I am . Maybe I am delusional.




So the other guy was playing her fiance. Firstly I had to go greet them. With him it was awkward as it should be I suppose. With her, she threw her arms around dad.

Then I had a couple of little scenes until the big moment.




"Now Rick, you are going to be walking your daughter down the aisle. She is nervous, look over at her, reassure her and walk her down the aisle." Now I knew nothing of this little Improv..




It turned out to be quite touching, the actress in character was sad and she cheered up subtly and beautifully , just like I actually was her father and not an imposter. In one of the four takes , it was especially powerful and touching for me. When everyone agrees to role play, it can be very powerful for the mind. Then we had to go outside to a field where I ran back and forth a few times with my daughter who was trying to get old dad into a little corporate shape.




Certainly this kind of role playing was very therapeutic for all the stuff that is happening around me. My new apartment fell through, but I am GRATEFUL. GRATEFUL for a new beginning and days like this .




One day I will look back on these moments in between with utter affection and love.




Rick

What happened to the Oxytocin?

Someone said to me recently that "getting out of a long relationship is like experiencing a death" Yes, thats how I feel. The five stages of grief.

That's what it feels like.  This person that you loved, this person who has been emotionally supportive for years, is now just falling off the map.

Why do relationships turn into extended friendships?

 In the beginning when the hormones and oxytocin is flowing, it all feels so beautiful and refreshing. Transcending time together...in the flow of life together. Somehow in the end, it turns out to be more about who is right? Right about what? 

Once the 18months of the honeymoon phase is over, it is more like a partnership.  You better hope that when the masks that we all wear are dropped completely, if they ever are...you better hope that your personalities match

You better hope that the rhythm of your souls work together.  Because if they don't, then other person will ALWAYS BE TRYING TO CHANGE YOU. BEWARE IF YOUR LOVER IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO CHANGE YOU.

I have been dealing with a series of close calls and disappointments recently. Out of 50 people , It was down to 3 which included myself, for a big commercial which has a big visibility factor and payed alot of money. After my agent gave me the impression that I got the job, I found out that I narrowly missed it. Then the apartment in Port Credit that I was moving into was given to somebody else.  So I live in family houses in basements and spare rooms in a travelling circus for the moment.

On the other hand, if I can just endure this part of my crazy freedom cycle, maybe I will have some stability by fall. These must be the real Daily Moves Outside My Comfort Zone.

I have been able to be more honest with myself recently and I hope that it will help the situation, because baring your soul to yourself can be a very depressing and sad thing. A scary thing. The little boy is wondering whats going on after the big me took away his friend that he relied on for so many emotional nuances, and changed his bed that he slept in every night for the last few years. 

Relationships that seem so bright in the beginning are simply a heart breaker. So many expectations, so many disappointment from her point of view as well.. So much settling for what you didn't expect.

I wont be in any relationship for a long while, this I know. However, I feel that if I set up the parameters of honest friendship correctly, maybe I can feel better about going forward.

I could say more, I have had some old friends come back into my life recently, and I think that this is something I should be grateful for. 

But the formula of the day seems to be:

RELATIONSHIPS = HEARTBREAK (at least for me in my dark basement right now)

I feel awful for my ex. She really is a fantastic person, but as a couple, it wasn't a positive situation. She will be fine, or are any of us ever fine?. Aren't we just trying to buy into a lifestyle that doesn't really exist?

Rick

Its hard to remember your lines when you are losing your mind

There's a grey haired optimistic man on a lonely stage.
His audience has yet to arrive. 
Its hard to remember your lines when you are losing your mind.


Change is good they say, and fear is supposed to be bad.  I am not sure if I am coming or going.

My relationship with this wonderful woman who helped guide me out of my addictive hole is over.

6 yrs of much happiness and fun was just not enough to sustain us through the muddy waters of disagreements, judgments and ugly arguments.

I will always love her, but for many reasons, we will have to try the stage of friendship instead, to continue to go through life with some connection.

Why is it that when you breakup, it feels like a failure, even though you know that wonderful things are out there in the near future. Important things like independence, clarity, honesty and love.

Other good things are happening in my life....  My auditions are starting to get more professional on my end and it looks like I may have a booking soon. I have found a cozy little bachelor apartment in a cute waterside Canadian town. 

But first I have to come face to face with myself and who the hell I really am? and who I can no longer pretend to be.  It can be so god damn exhausting to pretend. I need someone who will except me for myself.

But first a little meditation and a little celibacy. The pain is good I think. I am very lucky to have such wonderful family and friends around me during this time. I am truly blessed.

I feel sad though to think of my ex, navigating life without me right there by her side. Oh well, there I go again with that ...I want to control things..thought.


Until next time.

Rick

Don't mess with a missionary man...who thinks he can act....

Last year my heart sped up to 180 beats per minute and I checked into the local hospital for 5 days...There were no real answers.  Who knows why it happened? Could it still be the drinking...after 4 yrs sober. Scarring of the heart is a possibility
..but they didn't really know...

I got some pills to take that were literally killing me for a few months...Luckily, I am off one of the pills now and can walk down the street again.

After a few financially unsuccessful moves like ...The bios urn...I am turning to possibly performing again...who would have thought?..I am learning a monologue from the movie Kramer vs Kramer. A part embedded into my subconscious after working as an usher in a movie theatre many years ago.

The idea going forward here is....heart will keep beating and I will start working in the film industry as a very small player...small but employed...

I would love to move back to BC...to Vancouver island...One of the most beautiful places on earth..Thus the move.

Watched Liv and Ingmar last night...An absolutely stunning and poignant documentary about two Artists...two geniuses that shared a love affair and a friendship for the ages...

It reminded me that it is ok to love and to create and be honest with yourself and move on if necessary...because life is too short...The final scenes in his old island home on Faro are heartbreaking and life affirming at the same time...I cried...

Maybe its time to see a Swedish movie very soon...after i get home from a couple of days in Algonqin park with an old buddy...

Are we ever sure that we are making the right choices?...I would like to be more sure
..but I will just go with it for now...

Rick

The mirror doesn't lie

I was in the middle of filming a documentary idea on Aging...The Age Game...when i had a computer problem that set me back a bit. A couple of people close to me suggested that I should get some headshots done and try to get some modelling or acting work...( " you have got the look for it")

Because of some concerns and issues with my heart in the last year I have decided to give it a go...The psychology being....I cant walk very far or lift anything right now, so maybe I could survive sitting in front of a camera, and it could pay some bills.

The same day I made that decision, a friend from California sent me an old headshot from the late 80s I had taken at the time.

So here comes the mind fuck part...

I put down a project where I was talking to people about the hardships and realities of their struggles with aging, and while looking at a portrait of myself done in the 80s....suddenly I had to focus on my 53 year old (yup 53!) face through the lense of a high powered industry standard Canon camera...





I got these pictures taken by a very talented young lady,  however we didnt use a studio so the lighting was harsh and very difficult to control...Am I nuts...can you move that lense a little farther back please....like all the way to Ohio! I suppose that my karma was (if you believe in that everything happens for a reason stuff) saying to me...take a good look at yourself you vein bastard.

You cannot help but take a good look at the aging process from a physical point of view when you have 50 ultra high definition photos you have to edit in order to pander yourself to some unforeseen agent.

So as I continue on in this summer project, I am hoping that somewhere there is an agent who will say,  that guy could sell some hemoroid cream or viagara.
Yup...gladly i would do it,  I will be the new face of executive diapers if they would let me!  Damn straight, I want to travel and I am broke. Integrety? Wheres the integrity in sitting at home writing and thinking with an empty bank account?

As I try to sell out this old body and face, I cant help but reflect back on my youth and the hopes and dreams of the early 80s. I felt so strong and invincible, relationships felt so fluid. (boo hoo...i know)

Now I have maybe a 2 year window before my appearance starts to fade a little more. Oh yes, its happening fast to me and to all my friends and family.

My goal is to quiet my emotions going forward, to give myself a break from the constant chatter in my mind and in the media about perfection and chicken necks.

Beauty is skin deep? Nothing comes between me and my Calvins? (thats something else)

I know there are alot of haters of the positivity movement, but if you don't have some kind of positive mantra or thinking process in place as your body and looks fade into the dust....you will be stepped on by society and mostly...by your critical self.

I hope I am not complaining too much...I am still alive and kicking with great support from family and friends. I am damned lucky....But dissatisfied with all these damn lines on my face!

I may just need to fix my computer fan and go back to being a hack behind the camera instead and work harder on my Deepak Chopra interpretation.



Rick (without hisspellcheck)

THE AGE GAME

Spring has come to Ontario this 2016.

I wonder if it makes you feel rejuvenated to have another spring pop up if you are 80 years old, or do you feel a little fearful and ambivalent.  I am in the early stages of putting together a documentary on Aging.  I have already sent the idea to myself and it sits in a sealed envelope somewhere, just in case  somebody was thinking, hey...I will invest my time in somebody else s idea and I am going out tonight to buy the camera and sound equipment.  

Doing research for this film has brought me down an interesting road.  It's incredibly relevant for me personally to figure out how people are handling their old age, how they are handling it emotionally, physically, and what their suggestions are on how someone like myself can handle it when it arrives. (Actually, it's not really about my future at all)

One of the gentlemen that I am going to be filming was talking to me about Age Regression....This guy is 80 and still trains athletes in the gym, and is telling me that it is possible to go in the other direction.  What a breath of fresh air this guy is.

I have come across some powerful quotes...one of my favorites is by Thoreau...

"None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm."

Isn't that part of it...When we get older, we lose our enthusiasm...we lose our passion...we lose our taste for excitement and the unknown. We don't seek out new friendships and ideas with the same vigor we did in our youth. 

(However, I believe I can look forward to talking about the weather alot and also being part of many conversations about people who have a new ache and pain..)

Aging is one third Genetic and two thirds lifestyle apparently..There is lots to the subject and I am feeling lucky to be immersed in it.  The advice that I read is actually more likely to be used by people in their early 50s to really make a difference for them going forward.. Some of it is fairly obvious...exercise 30 minutes a day...eat sparingly and mostly a plant based or Mediterranean type diet...spend an hour a day doing something you love...

THE QUESTION REMAINS:  HOW DO SENIOR CITIZENS REKINDLE THEIR ENTHUSIASM AND PASSION FOR LIFE?   How do they turn around the tendency to be complacent and to awfulize the short future that awaits. How do they come to grips with the meaning that their life has held or not held?  How do they handle all their friends passing away in grotesque fashion over the years?

Scientists have isolated something called TALOMERES which are the tips of your DNA molecules...These things get a little smaller as you age and thats why we go down hill.. There are also many new breakthroughs on the horizon in this area, and it is very possible that we will be able to live well past 125 years.....in the near future..

I will explore some of these ideas in my film THE AGE GAME... I am fascinated with the subject and now I hope that I can do it some justice...I still dont have any answer to the question about the loss of enthusiasm though...Maybe trick the mind just a bit?  Teach an old dog new tricks? NEVER SURRENDER?

I write this tonight from a cottage where I have a full week to meditate, cleanse my body with nutrition and watch all the old foreign films I want, without anybody around me to tell me differently.

Oh and I enjoy photographing nature whenever I can...damn right...

Rick

A NEW VIDEO SERIES

I am working on my video series called The Neighborhood.. Canadians speaking about America.
I will pull the different episodes together and include them in an Art Installation. I hope. On the wall I will also feature some flashing photographs of Canadians being physically dragged off somewhere...but where?


I have included the second video in the previous post.. It feels great to be working on this subject that is so prevalent right now as Donald Trump makes a big run at the White house.. The idea of all those nuclear weapons in the wrong hands, makes me and millions of Canadians and Europeans very nervous. But whats the alternative? Would the US ever invade Canada? The budget for the video series is non existence so I scramble to make it look and sound except able to people that have short attention spans and are use to high tech, good looking videos.


Working on this project has created that "flow" of energy that was missing in my life for a while.
Waking up with that passion and excitement that old age sucks out of you is very special. I know that the term old age is a little offensive, but there it is.


Our galaxy has 30 billion stars and the universe holds 300 billion galaxies. What I am saying is that we have no answers for any big questions, so its much  better for me to distract myself with some passionate projects.. We know that all of this cant have just happened by accident, yet it seems that everything is totally random. At least I can control the angle of a camera shot and the rhythm of the edit.


I also had a dream last night about a passionate love affair from the past. Going to the ROM...seemed so real and I felt so alive..until I woke up... I was pissed.  I got up and started to channel my disappointment into something creative and had a great day..Life is good.

Its been a while..

Rick

THE CANADIAN CONCERN--The Neighborhood