Everything came too easily to him...Hubble Gardner in the Way We Were (which I was watching tonight on my little android box)
The Buddhists have so many beautiful ideas about life.
However this idea that its better not to be attached to anything in life because the pain will be to great when it is taken away,( like everything is inevitably taken away) is wrong in my eyes.
The pain is worth it....to love madly, to devour, to laugh and to smile with full abandon. I feel that we have to understand how balance works and be prepared for the challenges that are always around the next corner. There is no real way to be prepared, just flow with them as much as you can. We have to live and love to the extreme, in the most childlike inspired way possible.
Breakups are awful. As a man, one would think I shouldn't be as sensitive to all the memories and emotions, and just let my male libido and monkey mind lead me into some new pleasurable and complicated situation. But no, I lay here alone...which is fine.
I have some regrets that bother me though. I was not able to live at full speed due to this fucking serious heart problem of mine, and my ex was extremely frustrated as I moved through the world in semi slow motion and with a chip on my shoulder. I was sober but depressed and feeling imprisoned. I needed to find a way to live with more energy and passion and do it despite of my cardiovascular excuses. But I didn't. A film project would briefly bring me back out of my doldrums.
Ultimately instead of figuring out how to bring some more money into the relationship, I decided that being apart would me better for both our mental health. Therapy might have been a better
On another note, I am extremely lucky that I am still alive, and I thank all my friends and family for their support. To my ex, thank you for all the good things you did for 6 years, that was an incredible amount of love you gave.
I have a sometimes scary but mostly inspiring life story to write that will include some beautiful and talented people. Life hurts like hell, but it is such a blast, I just hope I can do the next 10 years the right way...whatever that means.
Rick
December 3/2016
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