I notice that there is no cohesive through line on my blog over the years. Certain themes do resurface though, such as addiction, relationships and existentialist ideas. I originally started writing because I was in terrible shape mentally and physically.
So where am I today on those levels? That's what the spirit of the blog is supposed to be about I suppose. My heart is still beating, with the slight help of a pacemaker...but beating.
I am free of drinking for almost 5 years now (april 26) and that has made a huge difference in my life. In my autobiographical story "Hammered for 7300 days", I refer to my self made hell where I had to drink to survive, every morning, every night, as soon as I woke up.
Being sober has given me a shot at being semi responsible and creatively relevant again. (or not) It's given me the permission to just be myself without any shame or regret.
I have managed to stay good friends with my ex of 6 yrs. She is a special person that deserves a great life. She is dating and I am supportive as an ex can be I suppose. I just don't want to see her get hurt. She says that she truly wishes for me to be happy, which is a cool feeling, because I felt for a while that I wasted her life and caused her nothing but anger and poverty.
Human connections are so important but I love being alone as well, and I am alone a fair amount in my little bachelor apartment in mid town Toronto. My mother and my family are incredibly supportive and are very relieved that they are not participating anymore in my life of addiction and almost certain impending death.
I have a couple of fantastic female friends that I have been so lucky to reconnect with. There is no sexual connection right now, but we are very open and honest and stay alive with alot of humour each day. Can woman and men actually be platonic friends and make it work? The jury is out. (Because of the innate maleness in me that just wants to lie down and have that damn passionate connection)
I just appeared as a detective in a series on OWN recently , and that has revitalized this idea that I had of being an older actor coming out of the woodwork and scoring roles. So many guys out there that are attractive, talented and driven by a strong ego. I may need some help from Esther and Jerry Hicks to actually succeed in this business.
Alot of the times I still sit around wondering about the meaning of life.(Reading and watching and contemplating) This has been going on since the 80s. And guess what....I have no fucking answers, haha. Nobody really does, its just an absurd experience and mystery to be part of this world. So much to love, and yet so much damn suffering . I try to focus on the glass being half full.
I wear masks like everyone else. I know I have alot to offer, but I am worried it wont be enough. It will fall short in the end.
Don't get too close to me because then you might be sitting around worrying all the time as well and thats no life.
I realize that these people that are getting closer to me, are receiving something from the experience, and I should stop judging myself so harshly.
It's a long winter here, Canadians winters are absolutely brutal. I am looking forward to a warm spring day that I know is somewhere lurking in my future.
Rick
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