THE SELFLESS HEART

Recently I was quite sick for a week or so, actually it manifested far before that, but the sickness part lasted about a week.



My Girlfriend came to live with me for about 5 days during the worst of the time.


I have to say that I was really amazed at how another human being can have so much compassion and love for a person that they really have only known for a relatively short time.


I was a grumpy, sweaty, self pitying imbecile (with a heart) most of the time.


To me, this was the very indication I needed that my life was over and if not completely over, certainly at the crossroads of all crossroads.


"This whole thing is horrible, it's sad and disgusting" I would blurt out.


In return, my Girlfriend would say something like " you will turn it around, you are a talented guy with incredible potential and this is just a test" Amazing I thought. She seems to really know that this is true and I am losing all my faith.


Now we did get to have our fun personal times of watching programs together,cuddling and cooking alot of healthy meals, but to me, it didn't make up for how much life seemed to "suck".


With all my optimism out the window, the toilet suddenly broke....Yes the toilet.
This didn't go over well with my ego.


Julie found humour in this toilet escapade at every corner and was often laughing uncontrollably at the irony involved. Especially at my gagging. I on the other hand saw it as a slap on the face from a higher power.


So while I griped about it, sweating in bed, I could here her in the washroom for hours trying to fix it. (Luckily it is working once more, how beautiful)


One day as I was sweating and moaning in bed, I observed my girl Julie, organizing and cleaning my entire place from top to bottom....It became like an obsession with her....She did the most thorough job ever in the history of mankind....I was dumbfounded.


I then begged her for a hug as I was feeling needy, and she said she would be right over, she was just a little sweaty, "give her a second".

She took my selfishness and made it seem silly but not pathetic.


The point I am trying to make is that I am so amazed by this special person and her big heart and I feel that I need to grow my Grinchly heart 10 times the size to keep up.


Is this the way most people are? I need to get with the program of uber compassion and grow up some.


I talked to a homeless musician the other day for about 10 minutes and all of a sudden I thought I was mother Theresa. Re-examination time Rick.



Maybe I will start that process tonight.


RL

STOPPING THE ANGER REACTION

When a person’s speech is full of anger, it is because he or she
suffers deeply. Because he has so much suffering, he becomes
full of bitterness. He is always ready to complain and blame
others for his problems. This is why you find it very unpleasant
to listen to him and try to avoid him.
To understand and transform anger, we must learn the
practice of compassionate listening and using loving speech.

TNH





I hate getting Angry. (get it) It's something that somebody told me recently that kind of sent me for a loop. I think of myself as quite a calm person and a pretty good listener most of the times. This friend said that she thought that I was very angry at the world.


I disagreed at the time. But maybe it is a little about CONTROL. I can't conceive of some of the actions of others and am often shocked at the ego and self absorption that I am witnessing daily.


On the other hand, I maybe seeing exactly what I need to see. I need to take a closer look at the way I see people and judge them.


I certainly feel alot of empathy for my fellow humans, but does that happen only on my own terms, when I can control my actions.

Deep stuff, but I want to be more available to figuring this out.



DISPELLING ANGER

To some degree, everyone is vulnerable to idol worship, whether through the pursuit of fame or the veneration of wealth and power. We revere images, especially the self-image we feel we must project to others.

The most blatant form of idolatry, is ANGER. Something external is controlling our emotions and reactions.

When a computer crashes, losing our important files, and we erupt in anger, we have just bowed down before the silicon idol. When a car cuts us off on the freeway and we curse with rage, we are idolizing the metallic god. When we lose our temper with our spouse or children and cause them undue pain, we are worshipping the idol of darkness.

When we devote ourselves to idols, allowing external situations or other people to instigate anger and rage within us, we sever our connection to the LIGHT. This is a big mistake, since the LIGHT is the true source for the fulfillment of our deepest desires.

Yehuda Berg



I cannot control the actions of other people and it just puts a hole in the pit of my stomach to react with anger in any situation. Recognizing that a change is needed is a step in the right direction.

RL

Who the FK is in the heart of Control here?

It's been a tough couple of weeks for me.


Although there were a couple of small emotional wins, I started to suspect that this wasn't going to be the time of power and satisfaction that I originally had been counting on.



It became more of a time of vacillation and very poor decision making.




Instead of all those wonderful summer courses and ingenious money making schemes that seemed right there for the taking, my mind started to wonder to little bizarre thoughts like....."maybe i should spend the entire summer on the beach.....writing" or perhaps "a gun" might be a necessary apparatus in my life.



Where did this all come from? I had a beautiful new girlfriend, and a very supportive family, and some solid dynamic friends, but something felt strangely missing....



I developed a tooth ache and started to secretly criticize the very core of people I really admired for years....What was this all about?


Was going to see Lady Gaga for 10 minutes actually going to send me out to the bars again after a year of good health?


Why did I care that Justin Bieber was dating some girl I never heard of before? Or that Kate Middleton looked great when the wind blew her skirt up..... What was really going on psycho guy?


The best way to end this little ditty is to say thanks to my friend Liz who gave me a new acoustic guitar to try to get me out of my strange rut. What a thoughtful present..It really is selfless ideas that can bring you back from the brink..



It looks like I am almost back....What a strange and weird ride.


To anyone I doubted....I take responsibility for just being a coward and a child. Not that pretty for sure.


RL

WE STILL HAVE TIME LOVE

When did we actually meet?


The darkness and your affinity for the candle. Words in the night that ask if I am alright? How could I be....I think.


Is anyone? Sometimes its garbage and sometimes its pure potential.


Sometimes it's a little taste of death....Oh, how tough you have to be....Running with that guy takes no genius...


Yet I am not there. Today we made a pact, a beautiful, implicit, old fashioned kissing pact.



Tomorrow, we are going to take it all back.




We are going to make it one, and I know that It will be me, that sweeps you up and carries you by the sea, like so many have before me.



It's a blood diamond... It's the Kansas in the Wizard of Oz....It pulls at me.


This world or judgement... and well....I don't want to scare you.


You are the most beautiful thing I was ever allowed to touch.



We are going to make it into a collage.. A pastiche....An old Bogart movie...



Its limitless...But something still pulls at me... Those ghosts, those people, those promises in the dark...



What year is it love?



Put your head on my shoulder....We have time....I really hope we do...



Inspired by you JP.


RL

THE PAIN OF THE MISUNDERSTANDING

When you get grossly misunderstood and you ultimately want approval, it hurts.



I had another really bitter and aggressive post on here, that I removed...Not entertainment, but part of my real life dealings.


My original way of coping with this was to try to verbally belittle the person(yesterday) who did this to me, without all the facts. (And it really looked good on paper and in my mind) Actually I should just let it go completely.


Sounds trite, but it is beneath me to act this way.


Like anyone, I am a work in progress. I think we are all worthwhile enough to be giving a chance, whether you are the real Rockstar or the Ceo, or the Woman with a big heart that struggles to be heard.



I am not sure what definition I fall under, but it really doesn't matter.



DEFINITIONS ARE FOR SUCKERS. (E-A)



Some decisions will rock some boats...Yet you don't want to make it so personal or have one of your oldest friends say that "I lost a bit of respect in you tonight man."


I don't approve of somebody trying to verbally or physically assault me or anybody else. It gets under my skin.


Reminds me of the Affinity Triangle formula.


"Life has three component parts: affinity, reality and communication. These form a TRIANGLE---ARC. They are interdependent to such a degree that if you interrupt any one of them, you will interrupt the flow of the other two."


Esoteric but interesting.


Apparently from time to time, I am not in communication or affinity with somebody ....and THAT COMPLETELY THROWS OF OUR COMMUNICATION.....as FRIENDS or LOVERS.


I am trying to not make all of this about me....Being misunderstood....some days....is a bitch....But i will bite it and try to not retaliate and hurt somebody with words and thoughts.


RL