Its funny how I have come full circle with my new/old 35mm camera. My digital killer of a camera is so great, but I realized that nothing can really replace the look of film. This isn't my own isolated observation, it is the thoughts of many photographers. So long story short, I picked one up from a cool older eccentric of a man and I love it. Here is an example of the different look that is possible.
So I will have a little arsenal going on, I actually have three here. I believe most photographers have many, however I don't want to become an obsessive about it. Lots of fun. Am I really saving the money that I had originally planned on?...no, but who really cares.
I have been reading a little Joan Didion who is just so real and accurate with her sentiment about everything from the 60s culture to dealing with grief...incredible woman. I have also been reading Augusten Burroughs who is so smart and funny and neurotic that it is always a pleasure to drop by to his gay, cultured urban circus of a life. Its Burroughs book Dry which recounts his battle with alcoholism that I recently recommended to a close friend who has been battling against addiction for some time now. I have many ideas for this person and I hope I will be able to contribute to their future health and welfare, because the alternative is too sickening to think about. I am trying to break through to them as I write this.
Recently I have photographed one or two attractive models for a project of mine, and it has been one of those situations where you are not really sure what to do with the experience. Unfortunately in the old days of drunken parties and all night benders I accumulated a bit of a reputation as a player or certainly as a guy that loved woman. When you are hammered for 7200 days straight as I was...it is not going to be a situation where you invest in peoples personalities and integrity and you come out the other side smelling like roses yourself. Lets face it, its a fucking mess.
Revolving depression, guilt, shame and apologies, and too many nights spent simmering over things that nobody really cares about, that was my reality back then. There is no point in trying to live in the past repairing a reputation, I feel like the only way out has been to move forward one step at a time for many years now. Back to my love for woman though. I grew up with three fantastic woman in my childhood house and I loved girls from a very early age; kissing them and holding hands with them long before I think it was age appropriate. I appreciate woman now for much more than their playful aesthetic, but I still cant help feeling a little gobsmacked when I encounter the raw beauty full on.
Humans gravitate towards beautiful things, its not a concept, its a fact. Beauty releases pleasure chemicals into our brains and we know in an instant whether a person is beautiful or not. We love people because of the way they make us feel...and because of my past obsession with this reality and my ridiculous need for male validation... that comes with getting looks from the opposite sex most of my life...I am totally screwed up on this level.
Beautiful minds also turn me on! Let me state that I'm surviving with a lot of balance now and that includes my personal relationships with women. I have a wonderful friendship in Taipei and I have been with only a couple of partners since arriving here in Taiwan, despite me embracing the fact that the Asian beauty here is abundant and crippling. I feel that this is an example of balance, but it is really not the example I should probably use.
Now as a photographer I have taken some very interesting photos this year and some of the best are portraits of women. I get so much pleasure from taking these photos. Not some soft core vacuous photos for Instagram, but some real photos of substance, and yes some with an undertone of natural sensuality. I made the decision to treat all of my models with integrity and with a professional touch so to avoid any issues or misunderstanding. So far I believe that each one of them has had a wonderful experience, or at least a tolerable one, they have been happy with the end product.
I am loving my photography. I have taken over 8000 photos in one year, and as I was explaining to someone, it really gives me a focus and keeps me out of potential trouble and yet....my mind wanders. I certainly don't feel like a man over 50 now, I am still in awe, and yearning and fixating and loving. I am still happy and unhappy in love and it is spectacular..
The key for me is to offer people something positive if they want to accept it and to never initiate any type of dishonesty or conflict. So far so good. Don Miquel Ruiz might approve, or maybe not, there is still the question of what to do with all this aesthetic lust and craving. Oh yeah, its a work in progress, and I may document it in 35mm...
Feb 21st, 2019
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