The Drunken model

Warning:  This post is very trivial and touches on no new issues or existential solutions, but hey...it's my shit...

Let me express an ironic pet peeve of mine.
A model that I have tried to photograph twice now has both times cancelled our shoot (last minute) due to being out all night drinking. This is one of those things that really pushes my buttons.

I completely understand on the level that I was her and I know what can happen when a person starts drinking on a Friday night.  However the responsibility factor, and her lack of it is sickening.
The second time I actually said that I was concerned that she wouldn't be able to shoot on a Saturday morning to which she replied that it wouldn't be a problem. When the morning came she texted that she just woke up and was very sick and going to throw up. Then she meekly said that she didn't think that she could make it.

At the end of my drinking career I was a mess and close to death. This had progressed from a need to feel good and push it to oblivion levels...to drinking every morning, to finally drinking 24 hours a day for years.  I am very aware of where binge drinking can lead a person and usually it is not pretty.  For models apparently it's a cliche that they eat little and drink alot, sometimes missing assignments because of it.

A great book I read on female alcoholism in young woman was Smashed by Koren Zailckas...vivid and will knock your socks off.

She wants to shoot with me she says, she likes my work, I like hers...but I don't know how I am going to let her have the chance to do this to me again.  I probably will give her another chance because it's important that I do that for her as some people did for me. 

In terms of my photography, the photos are getting better. I am getting closer to where I want to be.  There are millions of photographers out there with all of these high quality cell phones now and I recognize that to succeed in this profession if that's my goal, I have to stick out and produce more than just another clear photo with a cute dog or cat. Every photo should link to a higher purpose. They should all link to my theme, my theme of either street or portrait or landscape photography. I love all three genres and I am not sure which one to concentrate on.

One thing is clear though and that's if I don't choose one and make that the thing, people will get lost and not be able to identify what they are seeing and what they ultimately like.

Are these things really important in the grand scheme of things. NO. They keep my mind occupied in a good way.

That's all for now.

Rick

Life Update September 2019

So much has happened since my last post.  I had an epic trip to Canada that was everything I hoped it would be. I rekindled old friendships and spent some quality time with my family. My favorite may have been just sitting on the dock in the morning at the old cottage and meditating and taking photos. There was one particularly touching moment when some ducks slowly swam bye when I was out there alone, and I teared up. It was strangely touching. I suppose I was crying over the pure beauty of the moment that I had been waiting so long to experience.



ricklynnphotography.com


I am back in Taipei and in the full swing of a new school semester, with new students and a new schedule. I have just moved from my beautiful studio to a much smaller apartment in  Da'an, which is this very cool area with more restaurants then one could ever experience, but I will give it the old college try.

My portrait work has been a source of pride this year as I have been able to find my way through the interactions with the models and come up with some interesting shots. It is sad that I will not have the studio to use right now, but it will ultimately force me to work in a different way. I am looking forward to shooting some photos in Da'an in the early morning with some models.

I suppose the big news is that I will marry my Taiwanese girlfriend next year in Canada and live back here in Taiwan. We have had a great friendship and it has been so effortless and honest, that I realized I needed to move it to the next level. Considering that she has never been outside of Taiwan or even on a plane in her life is very exciting.

 My family, especially my mother is embracing the idea, and I think the small celebration after the civil ceremony will be awesome. Our Canadian honeymoon will me great as we will stay in a boutique hotel in Toronto as well as my family's place in Leaside as well as at a cabin up north and my old cottage. So much to look forward to. Who knew that life truly could begin at 50....never mind 40.   At 40 I was a fucking mess. Children? I've always regretted not having any, so there may be an opportunity to try. If no children, well then a rescue dog or two for sure.

That's my update for you, whoever you are. Bringing home a paycheck and persevering in my art is rewarding. Much more rewarding than I imagined.

A quick post

I think it was Camus that said that life isnt about finding meaning, but instead coming to realize there is no meaning...is this the cosmic joke?

Obviously the meaning and the joy is in the flow moments and the moments of accomplishment and the connection with family and friends. Who knows?

We are all on this earth together travelling through space on this spinning globe and everyone seems to be in such depression and anxiety over the journey. Older people like myself find it hard to put all the pain behind them and just to enjoy the moments, although the Adrenalin isn't flowing like it used to. Thats probably because I take pills to block it...haha.

My life is so good here that I have trouble just flowing with it sometimes. No conflicts, no real problems. No negative influences. In the end I am left with a million opportunities and new relationships that are waiting. We can really start living after 40 if we can find the key.

Now its off to another week of work, but that is fulfilling in itself.  One month to Canadian vacation.

Ciao

Photography website is up and running

                               ricklynnphotography.com


I am going back to Canada for a three week vacation. I have been working hard here and have not had much of a mental break, so the timing on this couldn't be better.

I will spend a couple of weeks in Ontario...one week in Toronto at my Aunt and Uncles and then a week up north in the Orillia area, including a couple of days at my old cottage. I will then spend the last 5 days in BC, including a weekend with my close buddy Marc on Denman Island. I will keep my apartment here in Taipei and continue on with this life I have got going here. A life that I would describe as proportionately joyful and with a real shot at a happy ending.

So I just put a photography website together myself... because it was just time.  Not because I want to monetize my art, but because I want there to be a stable place to view my work before I can bring it to a gallery. There are some thought provoking shots in there that grab the viewer, so I am quite happy with the effort. Its a good beginning and I look forward to adding to this site.

I reached my 7 year sobriety birthday last month and its funny how the mind can play tricks on you. Not long after the 7 year mark, my brain started to say to me that maybe I am so strong now...that I could probably handle the occasional beer, and this way I would live normally again with all the possibilities open. It said to me that this would be my final hurdle that nobody thought I could scale, and after I proved them all wrong...I don't know...I would be getting fucked on a patio again.

Insidious, after 7 years and hardly any cravings or thoughts, this starts to tug at my consciousness. Danger...warning...man I had to really deal with it. I had to play the tape through and really get hard core with my mind. No it wouldn't play out like that, it never has...maybe a couple of months of normalcy would be followed by god knows what.

Its all part of the journey. I accept that this kind of inconsistency in my brain is going to happen once in a while, I just will not be a slave to it.

I am in control of my life...and it feels great. Well, in as much control as anybody can have in a world full of chaos. Controlled chaos.

Taipei you are incredible, she is incredible...but I need a short break man, over and out for now.

Honesty

This girl has been a wonderful friend and sounding board since I arrived here. This photo I took of her a couple of days ago with my new 50mm 1.4 lens. I love the way it blurs out the background and the photo really expresses an honesty I appreciate. It reveals something beautiful about her as a person.

Today was my birthday and it's late, but I wanted to express gratitude. For my health, for my wonderful family whose support has been humbling. Gratitude for my old friends and my job here that allows me to make a difference in children's lives.

Also I am grateful for 7 years of sobriety and all the wonderful choices and freedoms that I have had the opportunity to be a real part of. I am a very lucky man.

I will travel back home to Canada for a visit in July and I am excited to bring my camera and experience everything and everybody through new eyes.

Rick

Joan Didion and aesthetic lust in Taiwan

Its funny how I have come full circle with my new/old 35mm camera. My digital killer of a camera is so great, but I realized that nothing can really replace the look of film. This isn't my own isolated observation, it is the thoughts of many photographers. So long story short, I picked one up from a cool older eccentric of  a man and I love it. Here is an example of the different look that is possible.
So I will have a little arsenal going on, I actually have three here. I believe most photographers have many, however I don't want to become an obsessive about it. Lots of fun. Am I really saving the money that I had originally planned on?...no, but who really cares.

I have been reading a little Joan Didion who is just so real and accurate with her sentiment about everything from the 60s culture to dealing with grief...incredible woman. I have also been reading Augusten Burroughs who is so smart and funny and neurotic that it is always a pleasure to drop by to  his gay, cultured urban circus of a life. Its Burroughs book Dry which recounts his battle with alcoholism that I recently recommended to a close friend who has been battling against addiction for some time now. I have many ideas for this person and I hope I will be able to contribute to their future health and welfare, because the alternative is too sickening to think about. I am trying to break through to them as I write this.

Recently I have photographed one or two attractive models for a project of mine, and it has been one of those situations where you are not really sure what to do with the experience. Unfortunately in the old days of drunken parties and all night benders I accumulated a bit of a reputation as a player or certainly as a guy that loved woman. When you are hammered for 7200 days straight as I was...it is not going to be a situation where you invest in peoples personalities and integrity and you come out the other side smelling like roses yourself. Lets face it, its a fucking mess.

Revolving depression, guilt, shame and apologies, and too many nights spent simmering over things that nobody really cares about, that was my reality back then. There is no point in trying to live in the past repairing a reputation, I feel like the only way out has been to move forward one step at a time for many years now.  Back to my love for woman though. I grew up with three fantastic woman in my childhood house and I loved girls from a very early age;  kissing them and holding hands with them long before I think it was age appropriate. I appreciate woman now for much more than their playful aesthetic, but I still cant help feeling a little gobsmacked when I encounter the raw beauty full on.

 Humans gravitate towards beautiful things, its not a concept, its a fact. Beauty releases pleasure chemicals into our brains and we know in an instant whether a person is beautiful or not. We love people because of the way they make us feel...and because of my past obsession with this reality and my ridiculous need for male validation... that comes with getting looks from the opposite sex most of my life...I am totally screwed up on this level.

Beautiful minds also turn me on! Let me state that I'm surviving with a lot of balance now and that includes my personal relationships with women. I have a wonderful friendship in Taipei and I have been with only a couple of partners since arriving here in Taiwan, despite me embracing the fact that the Asian beauty here is abundant and crippling. I feel that this is an example of balance, but it is really not the example I should probably use.

Now as a photographer I have taken some very interesting photos this year and some of the best are portraits of women. I get so much pleasure from taking these photos. Not some soft core vacuous photos for Instagram, but some real photos of substance, and yes some with an undertone of natural sensuality. I made the decision to treat all of my models with integrity and with a professional touch so to avoid any issues or misunderstanding. So far I believe that each one of them has had a wonderful experience, or at least a tolerable one, they have been happy with the end product.

I am loving my photography. I have taken over 8000 photos in one year, and as I was explaining to someone, it really gives me a focus and keeps me out of potential trouble and yet....my mind wanders. I certainly don't feel like a man over 50 now,  I am still in awe, and yearning  and fixating and loving. I am still happy and unhappy in love and it is spectacular..

The key for me is to offer people something positive if they want to accept it and to never initiate any type of dishonesty or conflict. So far so good. Don Miquel Ruiz might approve, or maybe not, there is still the question of what to do with all this aesthetic lust and craving. Oh yeah, its a work in progress, and I may document it in 35mm...

Feb 21st, 2019

It's been over a year and the old man is still rocking away...on some Island .

Yeah It's been over a year in Taiwan and It is full speed ahead. Well lets consider the fact that there is not much speed going on here at all. My sobriety has almost reached the 7 year mark and that is still really hard to believe , because that situation was so dark and so all encompassing.

I have signed a new contract and have passed a new medical exam so I will officially be here until 2020 now. Why leave? Taipei is such a great city. Sure we have Typhoons and Earthquakes and summer humidity that makes you want to cry, but I do love it. My personal Chinese lessons will begin tomorrow night and I am hoping that I will receive the tools that I have been lacking, because my Chinese language skills at this point are piss poor.

The thing that really turns me on is my photography. I have a full studio setup in my loft apartment now, and the photos that I am able to deliver (via my 42 megapixel mirrorless baby) are quite interesting. Now in Toronto I was doing the odd commercial and I was sober but I was quite stagnant broke and miserable most of the time. It wasn't terrible , but I realized that I only had about 10 really strong years left so I better make some kind of a move. 

It turns out that action is the only cure... not sitting around chanting mantras or visualizing something. It's making a decision based on the data available and then just DOING IT.

I have had some challenges here. I had to have a small operation to fix a small heart situation that popped up, and the recovery went kind of wrong. I had to get cut open a second time and this time I was fully awake. This situation looks like it has resolved itself. 

Life continues to be very good. I am grateful and although I don't believe in God  these days, I feel that the Universe has aligned itself with my life in a way that is working quite well. 

I continue to teach children each day and it can get very tiring but I think I am making a difference. I am not the best teacher out there, but I really love it when I can connect and make a 7 year old laugh or have a couple of them chant my name when they see me. \

Personal life? Yes there is one. I will keep it private for now. I have been very lucky. The old man is still rocking away. New Orleans will probably win the super bowl, the Leafs are playoff bound and the Freddie Mercury movie just won best picture at the Golden Globes... Its unbelievable!!!