Moving your body across the world

I have had a good solid year of small acting gigs (Own network and Reelz) and background acting gigs on Designated Survivor and Suits.

So it even seemed like an unlikely decision for myself to turn my back on this recent success and say..."why do I feel kind of dead inside?"  I realized I needed something exciting to happen. I needed something to change.

Why not make a change happen.  Here is the genesis of my idea to go back to Taiwan.

I had just completed a screenwriting online course and I was offered an ESL teaching course for 15 dollars. I thought, what a bargain, so before I knew it I had signed up. That got me thinking, "maybe I could teach in Asia again if I am physically fit enough and if I could scrounge up the cash to make it happen".

The next step was actually submitting my name for a job in China. I heard back from the school within an hour and they said I was shortlisted for the position. I started to get a bit of the old adrenaline flowing again. However the more I thought of China and its oppressive pollution in the cities that were being offered, the more I wasn't sure. Was I going for it or not?

I conferred with my friend Steve in Taiwan (on facebook) that I hadn't seen for 10 years, and he asked me why I wasn't considering Taiwan again?
Well, I really enjoyed Taiwan in my previous two trips but there was a bit of a sour taste left in my mouth because of the way I was deported due to a Visa overstay.

The more we talked, the more I realized that I needed to know someone, anyone... in a foreign country. It would be good to know Steve, he could help me get the scooter I needed, and to hookup to the phone system, and we could meet after class etc.

He assured me that there was a job waiting or several like it for a guy like me. That was it.  I arranged for a close friend to look after my place and before I knew it, I purchased that ticket online.

Holy shit, I have just committed to go teach in Taiwan, wow, Im over 50 now with a heart issue, am I out of my fricking mind.

No I hope not. I was waking up each day with a new bounce in my step. 22 hours away by plane was an Island the size of Vancouver Island with 22 million people.The cities I would be in Taoyuan is dirty, hot and industrial with the odd earthquake and typhoon.

This will be a great challenge. There is an opportunity to save a little money for my new investment account that I have opened. I need to have some type of investment to fall back on. Living paycheck to paycheck sucks.

Would you decide to go from a balanced but slightly unfulfilled life to a life on the set of the real life blade runner?

I have also been in contact with some acting and modelling agencies in Taipei and they are interested in meeting me. I believe that a older white guy who can still occasionally bring the goods, might be in demand there. I love teaching the kids so that part is always very fulfilling and should take care of itself on the emotional meter.

That's the story though. I will miss all my close friends (including a  very sweet and sexy woman I have been dating)and supportive family, after the initial stunned response, everyone  has been very supportive. 

I am off for a quick dental surgery to remove my wisdom tooth in the next couple of days and then it is the final preparations to move this old body across the world. Wish me luck. If it doesn't

work out as smoothly as I have anticipated, let it be noted here that I needed to break out of my doldrums and take a chance again.

Rick

Happily miserable

Im up north watching my mothers cat Lucy for a couple of days. My body is telling me its a great time for a full on cold!

Its always such a challenge to get sick. The mental gymnastics you go through and self loathing are horrible.

Its lack of sleep and lack of oxygen i think that starts working on me. So I like to run through all the questionable circumstances in my life in a 5 minute loop...Im happy and miserable i think. Im happily miserable.

I found some old family photos that include some baby photos of myself...i look like a very innocent and happy child. Poor guy had no idea what was in store.

Its the middle of the night and i could go on..except im groggy and cranky...

Thats it from the front lines for now.

Doubts in the September heat

Its the middle of September already and its hot here in Toronto Canada, like it is the middle of summer.What the heck is going on?

 I am sitting at my table in my little apartment in midtown...listening to some meditation music and taking a quick check in on my emotional state and my thoughts.

Here are two quotes I just came across. "Infuse your sensitivities with courage"...Daniel Laporte

This one is simple but strong, and then there is this one:

"To live in an evolutionary spirit means to engage with full ambition and without reserve in the structure of the present, and yet to let go and flow into a new structure when the right time has come"
Eric Jantsch

Although this one has some new age buzz words in it, I do like the imagery of flowing into a new structure with ease.


I am still going on my auditions and doing my background acting , and all is well! I have my small victories and that is enough for me at the moment.
It wouldn't be enough if I didn't have this new project i am doing where I will film people who love their art but hold down a second job to make ends meet. There are a couple of individuals that are stepping forward for this one and I know  there will be a real soul connection for us in the end.

I bought a camera for the project and a tripod and I worry that I don't have the right sound capabilities and professional history to make this thing work.  How can I edit 4k video on my lousy laptop, its not going to work...

As I sit here I have all sorts of doubts. However, this film is a perfect little vehicle for my brain. Something that will flow effortlessly at times and also offer me some moments to polish footage and reflect on some very human ideas about art and desire.

I do need to have some courage, more courage, no doubt. I just read that the blood thinner I am on causes major issues with internal bleeding. So rather than focus on that, I will focus on the project for now. Seems spiritual enough.

Rick

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Epiphany on an Island

Vacations are necessary for Soul Growth. I went years without one and was lacking in energy and inertia and creativity because of it.

i had moments on a deserted beach on Vancouver Island for
three days in a row. Those moments were so pure and beautiful. I could not get enough... i was reduced to tears of joy. The rest of my adventures were special but could not reach the heights of my communion with nature on that beach...

Im very grateful for those moments.

Now im back home in the city again.. worrying about lifes grinding mess. Until next year!! 

FLYING BACK TO VANCOUVER ISLAND

So I am going on vacation. My first one in years.  9 days to Vancouver Island and the Mainland to visit some dear friends and some family and others that I haven't seen in years. 

What is it about visiting another city that makes you feel so inspired, and invincible?

I think it's hard to have a lot of passion for routine.

I step inside the same building 3 times a day. I get on the same bus, walk down the same street, I have the same options available for dinner and for entertainment. I'm not complaining, because I have a very balanced and conflict free life right now, but when all of a sudden I introduce a plane ride and an exotic Canadian destination into my world, my mind goes crazy with positive overload.

So some of the thoughts that enter my head when I visualize the trip are: enjoy the moments when you are there...really take it in. breathe...

..be grateful for the opportunity to explore, but also to be still in nature. Oh and what a natural wonder Vancouver Island is...Ocean, Mountains...Trees and more Trees...Moose and wildlife everywhere.

I am contemplating doing a little film about my trip. I am not sure what the focus would be? I would prefer it wasn't me, but instead the beautiful island and all of its harmony and aesthetics.
Can you  fully enjoy the moment if you always concerned about filming it? Thats open for debate.

Then there is the human side of meeting people that have not had any full contact with me in person for years. What a great opportunity for me, to take in their lives on the island or on the mainland and really hear about them.

It's been 23 years since I lived in Victoria and I'm certainly a much different person. That life, was a merry go round of tensions and deadlines and relief sought through alcohol. It was a great opportunity to forge a different life for myself, (a family and children and a house by the ocean) but because of my predispositions and choices, it never was to be.  So be it. I am back.

Its always good for me to write this down, even for my own eyes. I am a much more balanced, positive, and content person on so many levels. This is the time of my life, this is the time to seize the moments on the Island one more time, not in some kind of a frenzied grabfest, but in a curious and innocent way. I truly look forward to every moment. See you on the other side.

Rick

Keifer and the moment...

I was just reading my last post so long ago, and I'm happy to say that the winter is officially coming to a fucking end. Out with the cold and in with the warmer. We Canadians are slightly obsessed with the weather. 

I am cat sitting as my mother is in Florida for a couple of weeks and it is such a pleasure to have this little girl around, only 1 yr old and so sweet a disposition. I have booked my first plane ride in many years as I am travelling to see my dear friends on Vancouver Island and then moving down to the mainland to finish the trip. The anticipation is so wonderful and I am hoping that the whole experience is as pure as my mind anticipates.

Professionally I had a high moment the other day. I have a new lady who is getting me  some extra work on the side and it is going well. Last week I did Designated Survivor with Keifer and this week it was The Girlfriend Experience.

In between I had an audition where they asked me to play Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I know, one of my favorite actors of all time and a genius. 

I went in there with no expectations and they asked me to do some improvisation on a couple of themes.  The first one was that I was getting frustrated and angry trying to learn my lines for something and then I was doing some drugs and passing out on the floor. 

So, there was no room for middle of the road,  luckily something came into my head that I said as a line and it went well. I told them that the drug part would be easier because i had experience in recovery issues and they liked that , imagine.   So I pretended to snort coke or heroine or whatever they were leaning towards, and it all seem to come together. They were complimentary and told me not to cut my hair, which I hope is a good sign going forward.

The point I was making was you know in life when you just have a moment of pride and a feeling of flow about something unexpected?
It just feels so right. Time just drops out of the equation. I experienced that when I came home and I was thinking about the next day on set. I am so grateful to have any type of moment like that, they have been few and far between.

To end I wanted to share a realization I had the other day which is that I have no conflict in my life. Other than lending an empathetic ear to others drama, I realized that my life has no conflict at all as it relates to me and my interactions.  I have to keep this going, I am not sure what the formula is though. That could be a problem in itself...

Some honesty in the moment

I notice that there is no cohesive through line on my blog over the years. Certain themes do resurface though, such as addiction, relationships and existentialist ideas. I originally started writing because I was in terrible shape mentally and physically. 

So where am I today on those levels? That's what the spirit of the blog is supposed to be about I suppose. My heart is still beating, with the slight help of a pacemaker...but beating.

I am free of drinking for almost 5 years now (april 26) and that has made a huge difference in my life. In my autobiographical story "Hammered for 7300 days", I refer to my self made hell where I had to drink to survive, every morning, every night, as soon as I woke up. 

Being sober has given me a shot at being semi responsible and creatively relevant again. (or not) It's given me the permission to just be myself without any shame or regret.

I have managed to stay good friends with my ex of 6 yrs. She is a special person that deserves a great life. She is dating and I am supportive as an ex can be I suppose. I just don't want to see her get hurt. She says that she truly wishes for me to be happy,  which is a cool feeling, because I felt for a while that I wasted her life and caused her nothing but anger and poverty.

Human connections are so important but I love being alone as well, and I am alone a fair amount in my little bachelor apartment in mid town Toronto. My mother and my family are incredibly supportive and are very relieved that they are not participating anymore in my life of addiction and almost certain impending death.

I have a couple of fantastic female friends that I have been so lucky to reconnect with. There is no sexual connection right now, but we are very open and honest and stay alive with alot of humour each day. Can woman and men actually be platonic friends and make it work? The jury is out. (Because of the innate maleness in me that just wants to lie down and have that damn passionate connection)

I just appeared as a detective in a series on OWN recently , and that has revitalized this idea that I had of being an older actor coming out of the woodwork and scoring roles. So many guys out there that are attractive, talented and driven by a strong ego. I may need some help from Esther and Jerry Hicks to actually succeed in this business.

Alot of the times I still sit around wondering about the meaning of life.(Reading and watching and contemplating) This has been going on since the 80s.  And guess what....I have no fucking answers, haha. Nobody really does, its just an absurd experience and mystery to be part of this world. So much to love, and yet so much damn suffering . I try to focus on the glass being half full.

I wear masks like everyone else. I know I have alot to offer, but I am worried it wont be enough. It will fall short in the end.
Don't get too close to me because then you might be sitting around worrying all the time as well and thats no life. 

I realize that these people that are getting closer to me, are receiving something from the experience, and I should stop judging myself so harshly.

It's a long winter here, Canadians winters are absolutely brutal. I am looking forward to a warm spring day that I know is somewhere lurking in my future.

Rick