HEY OLD MAN....You are playing her father

There's a pool sitting out there. A solitary pool. A fucking heated pool. Perhaps I should plop my old ass in there.




What a perfect day. We got heat, we got recognition of self. We got a couple of animals running around. A couple of needy squirrels.




We got people responding to you . A new acting workshop. A place called EDEN down the street in Leaside.




So I had this wild audition this week for a fitness watch.

When I walked into the room with a young african Canadian actor guy. There was a young blonde actress sitting there that reminded me of a young grace kelly. I was told that I was her FATHER. WTF.

I can't possibly be old enough to play her father? Oh maybe I am . Maybe I am delusional.




So the other guy was playing her fiance. Firstly I had to go greet them. With him it was awkward as it should be I suppose. With her, she threw her arms around dad.

Then I had a couple of little scenes until the big moment.




"Now Rick, you are going to be walking your daughter down the aisle. She is nervous, look over at her, reassure her and walk her down the aisle." Now I knew nothing of this little Improv..




It turned out to be quite touching, the actress in character was sad and she cheered up subtly and beautifully , just like I actually was her father and not an imposter. In one of the four takes , it was especially powerful and touching for me. When everyone agrees to role play, it can be very powerful for the mind. Then we had to go outside to a field where I ran back and forth a few times with my daughter who was trying to get old dad into a little corporate shape.




Certainly this kind of role playing was very therapeutic for all the stuff that is happening around me. My new apartment fell through, but I am GRATEFUL. GRATEFUL for a new beginning and days like this .




One day I will look back on these moments in between with utter affection and love.




Rick

What happened to the Oxytocin?

Someone said to me recently that "getting out of a long relationship is like experiencing a death" Yes, thats how I feel. The five stages of grief.

That's what it feels like.  This person that you loved, this person who has been emotionally supportive for years, is now just falling off the map.

Why do relationships turn into extended friendships?

 In the beginning when the hormones and oxytocin is flowing, it all feels so beautiful and refreshing. Transcending time together...in the flow of life together. Somehow in the end, it turns out to be more about who is right? Right about what? 

Once the 18months of the honeymoon phase is over, it is more like a partnership.  You better hope that when the masks that we all wear are dropped completely, if they ever are...you better hope that your personalities match

You better hope that the rhythm of your souls work together.  Because if they don't, then other person will ALWAYS BE TRYING TO CHANGE YOU. BEWARE IF YOUR LOVER IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO CHANGE YOU.

I have been dealing with a series of close calls and disappointments recently. Out of 50 people , It was down to 3 which included myself, for a big commercial which has a big visibility factor and payed alot of money. After my agent gave me the impression that I got the job, I found out that I narrowly missed it. Then the apartment in Port Credit that I was moving into was given to somebody else.  So I live in family houses in basements and spare rooms in a travelling circus for the moment.

On the other hand, if I can just endure this part of my crazy freedom cycle, maybe I will have some stability by fall. These must be the real Daily Moves Outside My Comfort Zone.

I have been able to be more honest with myself recently and I hope that it will help the situation, because baring your soul to yourself can be a very depressing and sad thing. A scary thing. The little boy is wondering whats going on after the big me took away his friend that he relied on for so many emotional nuances, and changed his bed that he slept in every night for the last few years. 

Relationships that seem so bright in the beginning are simply a heart breaker. So many expectations, so many disappointment from her point of view as well.. So much settling for what you didn't expect.

I wont be in any relationship for a long while, this I know. However, I feel that if I set up the parameters of honest friendship correctly, maybe I can feel better about going forward.

I could say more, I have had some old friends come back into my life recently, and I think that this is something I should be grateful for. 

But the formula of the day seems to be:

RELATIONSHIPS = HEARTBREAK (at least for me in my dark basement right now)

I feel awful for my ex. She really is a fantastic person, but as a couple, it wasn't a positive situation. She will be fine, or are any of us ever fine?. Aren't we just trying to buy into a lifestyle that doesn't really exist?

Rick