Recently after I was told that my health had improved by 20%, I was excited. I was enthralled. I loved the doctor that told me that. Thank god I had one of the most esteemed members of medicine on my side. My sobriety of over 3 years was a testament to my new healthy vindication.
THEN.....A couple of months later for no apparent reason.....my heart went into a-fib, my heart was beating out of control at 170 beats per minute, which got me in the operating theater and got me shocked three times with the padels, given a huge dose of Propofol..and eventually assigned a 5 day hospital stay.
Why did it happen? Could it be that the small amount of weight lifting I did that day had this contributed to the breakdown?....its doubtful. The jury is still out. What it did mean was that I would have to take another medication that completely sucked the life out of me. When you get sucked, you get sucked hard. You feel like going down to the corner store is an adventure. Bottom line is that it blows.
However, I'm alive. So fricken grateful to be alive. This world of suffering and chaos is an absolute garden of Eden to me now. Really, every time I have a near death experience, I come out the other side, just marveling at this world of ours and all the intense beauty in it.
Human beings gravitate towards beauty and mystery. Put the two together and you have a recipe for passion. I feel now, that any animal I come across these days and any young child I encounter, are just divine messengers.They are gorgeous!.
I have gotten to a point of observation, which somehow limits my mental associations a little bit, and instead I am able to breathe in these moments directly without labeling them.
I think that's happening because of my brush with death...(I have had quite a few over the years) Now before I make myself out to be the Maharishi or somebody, this lasts for a couple of minutes, and really doesn't stay with me for the whole day.
I do basically subscribe to the existential view that we are all stranded here, living a life that is not of our choosing, and a life that can be extremely cruel sometimes. On a brighter note, there is something to be said for the saying ..."You will see it, when you believe it"
I do believe that in this existence where nobody definitively knows why we are here, (and the world is balancing on a rock of narcissism and a twig of consumerism) there is a connection that can be made to source energy or to love and gratitude.. Now, even after my experiences, I have no actual plan, I am just trying to live in the now spiritually....Honestly.
I am reading a great book called the untethered soul. The author Michael Singer starts out by talking about the crazy chatter in the mind. Constant chatter.....in the shower..walking to the closet...."should I do this...what if I did that ...they don't deserve this...the weather will be awful...some pizza might be nice...etc" It is never ending. If you don't recognize the chatter behind the real person, you are literally imprisoned....All of this talk is not us, its the mind monkeying around with one thing after another.
We are the being and consciousness, behind the chatter..We can recognize this chatter and observe it and transform it. I am no great mediator and my downward dog is pretty awful, but even I know that these two ways of quieting the mind, will bring you closer to your real self..As well, a walk or swim in nature would also do the trick for me.
Who the hell am I.? The guy who got the margarine commercial at 15? The guy that travelled to BC to start a new life, or to Taiwan to teach.... or am I the guy that said all those awful things to the people I loved when I was drunk for 7300 days. Actually, I am the consciousness behind these events. I am the sensitive witness to these events.
I would like to think that my existence, my sometimes irritating and sometimes charming mind and soul....are here for some purpose. I dont think I will ever know.
I know one thing though, I am happy to be here, on this beautiful earth, with all of these beautiful people and animals. That sounds very hippyish, but that's the way I feel. That is ofcourse until the next train of doubt is thrown into my world from my constantly intervening and chattering mind.
I am rambling. I am glad to connect though on any level. If for some reason I don't make it next time...I will try to connect with all of you ....from beyond our experiences, beyond our bodies made of stardust as Carl Sagan said.Perhaps, I will communicate with you while you are sleeping. Or not.
Rick Lynn
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