Everything you read about being a strong, forward thinking, successful human being, mentions that you should not "dwell in the past".
Nothing good can come from re-living memories from the past. If you have had a multi-layered eventually negative experience in the past, perhaps a relationship that ended, you should forget about it and move on.
We should learn from the challenges of our past to become stronger. What does this mean exactly? Is that all that we can take away?
If you program yourself to erase moments in relationships from the past because ultimately there was pain, and we don't do well with pain. Aren't you also really erasing the triumphs, the conviction, the real you who was both strong at times and extremely vulnerable as well?
Isn't there a danger of losing the authentic you? Should we really hit the full erase button?
What will we have in the end if we have forgotten all those life affirming moments, those funny spontaneous exuberant moments from our past relationships.
If we don't remember them, just so we can move on to some sort of fully speculative idea of the future, what should that really look like? Isn't that robotic living at its worst?
Our lives really are held together tenuously at best by a patchwork of breathtaking, special, intelligent and spontaneous seconds. It would be tough to hastily toss them out for some pop psychology doctrine that is completely unproven.
Whether you left her for the adventurous librarian down the street or she ended up leaving you for the tree hugging hippy with the Galapagos tattooed on his balls. Don't forget the laughter and the big warm embraces.
Yeah, I get it, it stunk at the time, communication breakdown. Nothing is a waste though. It's all worth it.
I look back at some of the most outstanding moments with a couple of people that I don't see regularly now, and I hope they haven't forgotten the day at the zoo, or the shopping for obscure LP's in the spring. or the tears of love and frustration, when we got rained out.
If they have erased, it's ok, I haven't. I will remind them over coffee in a couple of years. The way we were.
Best summers day.......1982,2009....
Do you really want to block it all out for good because it can be a little uncomfortable in the afternoon?
I agree, that it makes the most sense to live in the now. The power of now. Our nows, hour by hour, day by day, do construct our future, and can be whatever you want it to be. It may or may not include some new lover from Montauk.
However,there must be room, leave some room to be fearless, to be able to walk back into that kitchen in your mind, to walk over to that old girlfriend and give her the biggest, sloppiest kiss, surprising the hell out of her. "What was that for?"
For some of my friends that have lost the loves of their lives to sickness, and to religious organizations, and to other lovers. Sure, it's not healthy to live in the past too often.
But it's good to know that it's alright to visit. To dream. No need for professional help. They helped make you the person that you are right now. Hopefully you can look in the mirror and like who you are. Wish them well fellows and drop the resentments.
It's more than ok to sit in a restaurant that you once went to with her or him.
It's ok to feel rejuvenated and alive and be able to say to your new partner.....I had a great time at this very place with Sasha.........we really had fun that day.
Or, we made love in the washroom of this cafe, as they were making us hot chocolates. But now I am here with you. (This one could sting a little)
Ok, It was "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" and charlie kaufman that set me off on this tonight. It felt good to say it. I don't want to erase my two Clementines, do I really have to?. I have moved on such a long time ago, do I have to fully erase?
Taking responsibility for your actions and becoming a better, healthier, more empathetic human being is one thing, forgetting all the smiles the mysteries and passion in between is another. It's unremarkable.
Yeah , it often sucks in the end. You couldn't get through to me. But do you remember when you were speaking to me so loudly in the bus that day about me being... your daddy, I thought I would split apart with laughter... That moment cannot be erased.
I just think that to forget it all, for the sake of mental safety is a little on the
Orwellian side, for me anyway.
If you have moved on and are putting all of those powerful projections and focus on to a new person, it's such an empowering place to be.
Don't be afraid to bring a little bit of yourself from the past, (from us) with you once in a while. I know that I will do the same. It's part of what will make us successful. It's part of what keeps of vital and alive.
Rick
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