THE HEART OF CONTROL

I was brought up in a turbulent time.
When I was very young, I remember first hearing that we were fighting a war in Vietnam.

It scared the hell out of me. I remember walking home from school alone and feeling slightly afraid. The feelings seemed remote but honest.

War, you mean that possibly will be me? Oh, the AMERICANS are fighting it.
Hey but aren't we friends? It was a little too much for a 6 year old mind.

I do however remember the feeling of residue guilt from living in that period.
Being an onely child, Perhaps I was fussed over a little too much.

I definitely got the feeling of some sort of entitlement issue manifesting or that the world at least in my house, mysteriously revolved around me.

This produced the subconscious feelings of guilt. REALLY?


Guilt that I really had done nothing to deserve the attention except look cute and shut up at the dinner table.


The real underlying guilt I think would reside for years. These young guys are off fighting a war on my behalf in south east ASIA, and I am being lavished all this praise. For what?


What had I risked? I let the big guys take massive slap shots at my head when I was 4
tall, I don't know.


I think that this underlying theme of "what have I really risked or contributed on the grander scale?" Something that still resonates daily.


JUST RECENTLY I was told by my cardiac physician that a heart problem that I have been dealing with, will not ever be getting better as he previously had said, but will very likely be getting worse. ( I can still function normally to some extent but won't be running any marathons which was actually one of my goals)

Lots of things sprung to my brain. Some of them being......


Death? Me. I thought I was somehow a little more special.

This is a giant Karma tic PAYBACK for all the times I pushed it to the very limit of the mind and body. (Pushed myself and others)

There must be some mistake.

What if I don't have any kids before I die?

Is it likely that I can live a healthy 20 years and not party? That jury is still out on that one. Especially with the added pressure of a weakening heart.

Maybe I should go out with a huge bang.


However, the most powerful thought was and still is.

What can I leave behind that somehow touches people. A piece of work of some kind.

Now, this is a positive process; and let me say that this little narcissistic writing forum actually is cathartic in a big way and helps me emotionally.

I may outlive my friends, who knows........ I have to be patient and stay focused and calm.

Like attracts like. Who really wants to hang around with a desperate, misanthropic,
self-pitying nice guy from hell anyway.

Thinking about the meaning of life on an hourly basis is exhausting. Better to just be working on an end goal and to meditate in the spaces.

Someone once phophesed to me that to them "god was in the spaces." I still love that.
(she meant this in regards to the large spaces moleculerly in Atoms as well as she was be metaphoric)


Today I am WINDING UP for a good few years of health and productivity and friendship.

I am interested to see how it will all play out. No pity is ever helpful or necessary.

It is quite possible that my life up to this point has been a GIANT REHEARSAL and a tangential WORKSHOP; to help get me up to speed and equipped to handle the CHALLENGE of what is now upon me.


I was reading something today that was talking about the different styles that we learned as children to control another human being. (Not in the zombie type fashion of AMC but in the psychological, make me feel better than you way)


One of the ways that we do it, is to be slightly aloof, therebye sucking the energy from another person, usually the other person tries to cope by asking questions about you and to try to get to know you better, to feel closer. Thus you feel more in CONTROL. (Quick flash of the movie about JOY DIVISION)


Strange stuff, but if I do any of that type of thing still, I better just get over it.

I certainly don't feel better than.....but my actions may speak in a different tongue.


Ok, now this is getting self indulgent. Enough for today. What is for lunch?





RL