INTENSITY AND THE INTERVIEW WITH AMANDA

Originally my friend AMANDA and myself were playing around with her new video camera and conducted an impromptu interview.

The sound quality ended up being highly questionable, but the words still remained; hanging out there like rustic lampshades for the uniquely bored.


Amanda P: So Rick are you going to post this online? Should we strip or something?


Rick L: I guess that is completely contingent on the depth of the content.


AP: What about the depth of my nose issues on camera?


RL: Yeah....and my eyebrow issues.


AP: What do you want to converse about?


RL: The sky is the limit. No holds barred.


AP: Oh my. Ok, I have only known you a couple of months but you seem to be a fairly

intense person.


RL: Ah. Intense. That sounds depressing like I am either very self-involved or very
boring. Or both.


AP: Cmon, why so defensive? I think Intense is good. Can't you see that by my
perpetual smile the last few weeks. Intense is good.


RL: I am glad you think so. You are kind of Intense as well.


AP: You mean Intense like a "clown"? "Like I am here for your personal enjoyment".

RL: Ha Ha... We do have our hysterical laughing fits though. A welcomed redemption
from from our mutual intensity.


AP: Speaking of intensity. When I look around here at your room, I can't help but
being struck by your choice in books.

RL: They are all props. Really... A complete facade.


AP: Phillip Roth "My Life as a Man", "The 72 Names of God", "Kafka on the shore".
If these are props, I'm not sure what backdoor impression you are trying
to contrive.


RL: Either am I. Is it appropriately confusing though?


AP: Totally. By the way.....Who is that sexy girl on your phone?


RL: Oh, I will definitely edit this question out. She is some young model.
I liked the shot. It's kind of like a vitamin boost every time I look
at the time, or I am concerned about time.


AP: Have you heard of Vitamin D. It easily ingested without the subliminal guilt.


RL: Let's talk about you girl. You grew up in Wisconsin didn't you?


AP: Correct sir.

RL: Where abouts?

AP: Do you know Madison?

RL: Actually I do. This is going to sound contrived, but I have actually been there.
AP: Cmon? For what? Nobody visits us down there.
RL: I lived in Wisconsin for a while in the early 90's, I had a job in the dance
business, but that is a long story.


AP: Ok. I loved it there, I didn't really want to leave. It is very ONTARIOISH.
RL: Yeah, it is practically the same geographically.


AP: Did you ever date any WISCONSIN girls?
RL: Do you count?


AP: No.

RL: I did, yes, they were very nice. Very natural.


AP: That's a horrible answer. What were they "SMURFS"?


RL: Ha ha. It was a long time ago. One lady was a singer and a mother, and the
other......she was ...I think she managed an old age home. To be politically
correct, a seniors facility.


AP: Sounds a little on the futile and boring side.


RL: Cmon, that's not fair. Ok, it was a little bit of a yawner. Ok, what about you?
Ever slept with any woman from Wisconsin?


AP: If I had, I wouldn't come clean about it on this little video. Didn't
you ever see that Soderbergh movie. I was a pretty adventurous teen before I
surfaced here though. I feel comfortable admitting to that prosecutor Rick.


RL: What did you do for fun? Don't say tip some cows either. Isn't Wisconsin
still known for it's cows?


AP: Yes I think so. And for Jeffrey Dahmer. We pushed it as far as we could, it
seemed humorous, harmless and worth it at the time.


RL: Care to elaborate?

AP: There were alot of fights, pregnancies, car crashes and a few nights in jail.
Are you with me?


RL: Sounds charming. Now you seem to have blossomed into this semi-brilliant but conservative journalist. Who would have known.


AP: Thanks for the compliment. So what did you do in your prime, Mr Destructive.


RL: Oh god. Let's not go there. Our one viewer doesn't want to here about my old war
stories.

AP: Boooo. Were there lot's of Broken Hearts and Personal Carnage?


RL: I don't know about the broken hearts. More like Broken Flowers. (love that movie) I am forever apologizing, let's put it that way.


AP: So......(pause) You don't drink anymore?
RL: Oh oh, Here comes the serious questions.


AP: Do you feel any different?


RL: Short answer. If there were no consequences for me, physically, financially, socially, I probably wouldn't have stopped. I feel much better though on all fronts. Everything is in focus. My goals are reachable. It's not perfect though.


AP: What is that place in Asia that was so alluring? That one you described to me.


RL: Oh... it was a district in TAIPEI called DA'AN. It was the sexiest area I had ever seen over there. It was this fashionable young area with lots of lofts and
Bistro's and Dessert shops.

Down the back alleys were all these cool minimalistic Bars and Clubs. They were
very dark and were lit up with Neon Vodka Bottles, Neon Lighting, Techno
Music,Jazz and all these attractive Asian female students with a

passion for White Foreigners and speaking English.

I actually was so enamoured by this area after one insane night, that I told my
good friend that I was going to relocate myself there.

She said that I had
to be completely insane and that it was the last place I should ever live.

She was right.


AP: So these are the type of experiences that you are now blowing off forever? Sad.
Now what do you do for fun or to blow off steam. Tell our audience of one.


RL: This is going to be really boring. Shit I am boring myself.
AP: So what. What do you do to celebrate?


RL: I try not to get into a celebratory mode for one. You know, I like to go out to
restaurants, movies or to sit down for an enlightening conversation with a
cerebral, fit and aesthetically pleasing person like yourself.


AP: Smooth transition Rick. Do you know the word Sycophant?
RL: Vaguely.

AP: Here's a tangeant. What do you think of the Power of Now?

RL: Um...The philosophy or the book?

AP: Either.



RL: I like the concept. However, I think it is nearly impossible to implement.


AP: I like the fact that the author is from Vancouver.
RL: Really? He must have done alot of his meditating up at Whistler.

AP: Probably at the Bars.

RL: Lets hope not. Hey wait, you are from America.
AP: I'm Bi-coastal now. I am both.

RL: Right. Let's end the experiment there. Any last profound message you wish to

impart Amanda?


AP: Hmmm..(thinking)......Yeah.....There is DEPTH in SIMPLICITY. Don't forget it
boys.

RL: Wow, good one. Let's stop there. You are a peach.

THE RADIANT CHILD

I was thinking about this subject a couple of days ago and it is still LINGERING.


What is this persistant need we have as people to be noticed, to be validated, to be admired?


I personally hate it and all of its implications. It feels very ROBOTIC.


I realize that to some degree it is bread into us in UTERO.

Then we have the PRIVILEGE to be slowly DOMESTICATED systematically by our trusted elders. (Squashing our innate feelings of creativity, freedom and connection)


Do something "good" and you will be rewarded.
(Paint a pretty picture and it will magically appear on Mom's proverbial refrigerator)

Do something "bad" and we are reprimanded, criticized, scorned or taught a lesson.
(We might end up a Missionary man)

To this end, we grow up trying to "fit in" and become PEOPLE PLEASERS.
(Is it really that important to fit in? Into what?)


We live by the rules that have been passed down from generation to generation, slightly shifting but seldom evaluated across the board.


True "individuality" in expression and life is often mislabelled as MENTAL DISORDER.

Mental disorders like "ADHD", "SCHIZOPHRENIC", "BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER", "PSYCHOTIC" or "GIFTED"

True "genius" usually makes people very angry at first.


Obviously on some level there has to be a fair, honoured and nurturing system for the 6 million plus followers to pass on.

Apparently it has now been proven that we
are all connected in energy. So now what?


I have a few facile imaginings about possible solutions, however I will spare you any of my pedantic rants at this point.


We have all heard Pink Floyds "Another brick in the wall" or Supertramps "The logical song" enough times to get the message on some level.

We might even have identified with Tom Cruise when in the name of his religion, this "Risky Business" star decreed that Psychiatry was an ABERRATION and analogous to Nazi Brain Washing.


In this day and age I think most of us don't really give a TOSS about big issues, just as long as we are surrounded by our phones, computers, consumer goods, credit cards and lots of food and pills.

Maybe that's not completely true. We as a people agree on three issues.

Saving the Environment for future generations.
Feeding the Hungry.
Stopping the proliferation of Nuclear Weapons and WAR.

This however maybe a simple social facade on many peoples parts in order to appease the neighbours. Ego and Selfishness knows no borders.


I DON'T THINK THAT THERE IS ANY SUCH THING AS A "VACILLATING EGO."


I suppose I also just proved that you don't need a PHD from Harvard in PHILOSOPHY to put in your two cents on this topic. Technology can be useful taken in doses.


Back to my original thoughts.

This concept that we don't do anything without expecting some sort of validation in return from our peers.

Most of us simply don't recognize this I am sure, and they believe that they are "free thinkers" exercising their "free will."


In alignment with this concept is the guy who tells his friend over a beer.......

"I don't usually give to the panhandlers, but there is this guy who stands outside my subway stop who is really persistent. I stopped the other day and gave him 10 dollars, I couldn't take it anymore. I hope he didn't just spend it on booze."

The question is.....What is the purpose in telling that story to a friend?
(Wouldn't there be a bigger spiritual payoff if you kept this type of sharing
to yourself?) Or do you need to be thought in a certain light for your own ego.

I am guilty of this myself at times.

I would like to get to the point however where I don't do it because I need someone to say "way to go Rick, you really are quite a guy"


Here is an idea.

How about trying to take your experiences in directly without a filter, without, preconceptions, without judgement or the need to be validated.


How about it? It's very difficult because to some extent WE ARE ALL PROGRAMMED.


HERE IS A POSSIBLE SOLUTION:


TRY MEDITATION, A RAW FOOD DIET, QI GONG and KABBALAH


OR


MOTHER NATURE, MUSHROOMS and ORGASMS (IF YOU LEAN MORE IN THIS DIRECTION) Smile.



Just a thought.


In the words of EMILY HAINES........"IS IT EVER GOING TO BE ENOUGH?"


RL November 13/2010

THE HEART OF CONTROL

I was brought up in a turbulent time.
When I was very young, I remember first hearing that we were fighting a war in Vietnam.

It scared the hell out of me. I remember walking home from school alone and feeling slightly afraid. The feelings seemed remote but honest.

War, you mean that possibly will be me? Oh, the AMERICANS are fighting it.
Hey but aren't we friends? It was a little too much for a 6 year old mind.

I do however remember the feeling of residue guilt from living in that period.
Being an onely child, Perhaps I was fussed over a little too much.

I definitely got the feeling of some sort of entitlement issue manifesting or that the world at least in my house, mysteriously revolved around me.

This produced the subconscious feelings of guilt. REALLY?


Guilt that I really had done nothing to deserve the attention except look cute and shut up at the dinner table.


The real underlying guilt I think would reside for years. These young guys are off fighting a war on my behalf in south east ASIA, and I am being lavished all this praise. For what?


What had I risked? I let the big guys take massive slap shots at my head when I was 4
tall, I don't know.


I think that this underlying theme of "what have I really risked or contributed on the grander scale?" Something that still resonates daily.


JUST RECENTLY I was told by my cardiac physician that a heart problem that I have been dealing with, will not ever be getting better as he previously had said, but will very likely be getting worse. ( I can still function normally to some extent but won't be running any marathons which was actually one of my goals)

Lots of things sprung to my brain. Some of them being......


Death? Me. I thought I was somehow a little more special.

This is a giant Karma tic PAYBACK for all the times I pushed it to the very limit of the mind and body. (Pushed myself and others)

There must be some mistake.

What if I don't have any kids before I die?

Is it likely that I can live a healthy 20 years and not party? That jury is still out on that one. Especially with the added pressure of a weakening heart.

Maybe I should go out with a huge bang.


However, the most powerful thought was and still is.

What can I leave behind that somehow touches people. A piece of work of some kind.

Now, this is a positive process; and let me say that this little narcissistic writing forum actually is cathartic in a big way and helps me emotionally.

I may outlive my friends, who knows........ I have to be patient and stay focused and calm.

Like attracts like. Who really wants to hang around with a desperate, misanthropic,
self-pitying nice guy from hell anyway.

Thinking about the meaning of life on an hourly basis is exhausting. Better to just be working on an end goal and to meditate in the spaces.

Someone once phophesed to me that to them "god was in the spaces." I still love that.
(she meant this in regards to the large spaces moleculerly in Atoms as well as she was be metaphoric)


Today I am WINDING UP for a good few years of health and productivity and friendship.

I am interested to see how it will all play out. No pity is ever helpful or necessary.

It is quite possible that my life up to this point has been a GIANT REHEARSAL and a tangential WORKSHOP; to help get me up to speed and equipped to handle the CHALLENGE of what is now upon me.


I was reading something today that was talking about the different styles that we learned as children to control another human being. (Not in the zombie type fashion of AMC but in the psychological, make me feel better than you way)


One of the ways that we do it, is to be slightly aloof, therebye sucking the energy from another person, usually the other person tries to cope by asking questions about you and to try to get to know you better, to feel closer. Thus you feel more in CONTROL. (Quick flash of the movie about JOY DIVISION)


Strange stuff, but if I do any of that type of thing still, I better just get over it.

I certainly don't feel better than.....but my actions may speak in a different tongue.


Ok, now this is getting self indulgent. Enough for today. What is for lunch?





RL