VULNERABILITY AND THE GRANDMOTHER I NEVER KNEW

" I AM CERTAIN OF NOTHING BUT THE HOLINESS OF THE HEART'S AFFECTIONS AND THE TRUTH OF THE IMAGINATION "

KEATS



Yesterday, I had the privilege of spending a couple of hours with my FATHER in a healthy state (rare for us but wonderful) at his favorite restaurant and then for a short time at his house.


Laughing and connecting and experiencing him opening up to me with stories of his mothers and fathers experiences and lives, and the profound way it affected him and the way he felt he had to project himself. Fantastic.

The ACTOR that he was made to be. That we are all made to be from childhood.

The False selves that we all try to project.


SIMPLY PUT, WE WEAR SO MANY MASKS IN ORDER TO HIDE THE AUTHENTIC SELF AND THE VULNERABILITY ATTACHED TO THAT PERSON.

THESE MASKS BECOME EMOTIONALLY CONSTRICTING AND GAIN CONTROL. A DARK CONTROL. BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.....YOUR MASKS ARE TRYING TO IDENTIFY WITH YOUR PARTNERS MASKS....

THIS GOES ON AND ON.....SOME MORNING YOU WILL WAKE UP AND THINK......WHO THE FUCK AM I.....WHO DO I WANT TO BE..... DO I HAVE THE POWER TO RISK REVEALING THE TRUTH......

...AND WHO IS THIS WOMAN SLEEPING NEXT TO ME.....HOW DO I JUST ASK HER TO LEAVE OR I WILL JUST LOVE HER BY SETTING HER FREE.


My Grandparents on my fathers side were people that I never knew.

However, I felt like I got a profound glimpse at them through the power of words, connection and insightful communication.

My GRANDMOTHER did some reprehensible things in order to make money for a family that was very poor.

With those acts came resentments and anger, lots of anger. Whether she was a martyr or a hero or something worse, I am not here to judge. If she didn't exist, neither would I, that's the bottom line. That's the cause and effect that resonates.

People make choices and those choices effect young children especially, for life and shape them and their fears.Seeing this very tough man open up and be vulnerable was a privilege and great gift for me.


These are the type of moments that I really do cherish in this short life.


Ekharte Tolle would have been proud.

KENNY opened up about one of the loves of his life MARLENE that has recently passed away.


When he proceeded to play a mixed CD that she had made for him, IT REDUCED ME TO ME EMOTIONAL CORE, with feelings of JOY and EXUBERANCE and of course the DEEP SADNESS of loss.

(Lots of Jackie Wilson, Marvin Gaye and even Paul Young on the CD)


Very profound insights on a quantum level as well. I will refrain from expanding on them now.


On another note.

Here is a bit of something I was reading today.

Keeping our minds clear of false notions is not an easy task, as it requires us to first know our beliefs. Very often, these beliefs have settled deep in our unconscious minds where they simply sit unquestioned. Nevertheless, they have an effect on our hearts, our minds, and our reality. These beliefs act on us, creating situations and relationships that we regard as fate, when they are, in fact, simply our unconscious minds manifesting in the external world. As a result, we may not even be aware that we are carrying the burden of a poverty mentality, and we may wonder why we are not manifesting abundance, especially if we know we deserve it. If this is the case, it may be time to look deeper within to see if we can discover the obstacle inside ourselves.

In order to evolve, it is important that we examine the contents of our minds and hearts and get to the root of what we believe about reality. Generally, our concerns of the moment can be trusted to guide our inquiries. If we are not manifesting and maintaining the abundance we know we deserve, then this issue is calling us to look into the hidden corners of our psyches and root out any remaining beliefs that tell us we must suffer and sacrifice in order to do well. Our efforts will take us one more step away from this energy-sapping belief that we no longer need.


In my opinion ENLIGHTENMENT is actually a fallacy and practically unattainable by any human being.

(Unless you seclude ourselves in a cave on a mountaintop for 30 years, this is much more than Zazen. Most of us can't even keep our minds free and open for more than 10 minutes, never mind a lifetime)

People do want to believe in this ideal, it comforts their souls. The work involved never really occurs to them.

Some of the other brighter ideas that are floating around which I sometimes elude to however, are there for the taking and sharing and do affect people and uplift them.

The emotional butterfly effect is actually real.


Have a good day.

Rick

VITRIOLIC APATHY

In the same vein as my last posting.

There is a hopeful ideal or fallacy that is floating out there in the religious and spiritual communities that is starting to seem quite impossible to attain.

It really is too bad, it certainly isn't my call, but to recognize the truth gives you the freedom to deal with it and to make any adjustments that need to be made in order to preserve your sanity and your focus.

Preserve most of all your quality of life.

The ideal intimates that there will eventually be a great and powerful spiritual awakening that will be seminal and transcendental.

It will resonate around the world, everyone will be touched.

It will occur all over the planet, in all parts of the globe.

It will happen just "in time". It will happen before the missiles start flying and before the apparent eminent prophesied....."End of Days"


This is a wonderful doctrine that keeps people trying to be better people. Keeps them coming back for more.

However that ends up manifesting, is seems like a dubious and insidious lie to the masses on some level.

Better than politics and some of the BS attached to the media....However, a lie.



The idea......One person at a time........We will all get it and we will all unite and give the biggest group hug in the history of God knows what..

This is not "IT TAKES A VILLAGE" ....This is "IT TAKES A PLANET"


I don't want to be negative but instead be more realistic, and of course this is just my limited opinion.



Where is Mimi Rogers in THE RAPTURE.





The 60's culture if you take away some of the DR TIMOTHY LEARY facade, were getting it right. They made some mistakes along the way, but they were changing the world, they were really getting there.

I was too young to participate in that movement at the time, but I was alive and felt the energy, it was special, very special.

I would later on experiment with the pot which I loved, and the LSD which would take me to spiritual places that I have never returned to.

Marlon Brando staring down at me from the ceiling.

"You are an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks to collect the bill"


However the 60's movement was one of peace and love and that was to me the uniqueness of that time.

There is much more to say about that at another time, like about the new hippie movement that is trying to rear it's head again in 2010. Good for them.


Going back to the issue of a new world peace to save us before the missiles start flying.

If most people knew how many missiles there were, and where they would hit near your community, (Niagara Falls for one)fear would definitely represent the acronym....


FUCK EVERYTHING AND RUN



I am sure that Therapists would be retiring with golden geese as we speak.


The problem as I see it, is the VITRIOLIC APATHY and SELFISHNESS that exists today, quite frankly it is really frightening. We can't get behind the celebrity couple, never mind, global peace.

This does not necessarily apply to the Universities and their students who seem to actually want to make a difference)

This obsession of 15 to 60 year olds with isolating technologies, from I Phones to I-5 processors in apple computers is nuts. (I also have a slight obsession)


WE HAVE MORE WAYS OF SAYING NOTHING--FASTER!!!!!!!!!! VERY SCARY.

SOLUTIONS? Those ideas I will have to think hard on over my coffee. Fast. Who knows. Get active, go bigger, send a positive message.

Love your friends and family, to death.


RL

INVICTUS and MERCY

Some times we think that keeping a job and keeping our image together is so important. We have to look good. We need to be needed. We need to fit in.

Heaven forbid we are rejected..This is our biggest fear. Fear of Rejection.
Next to the obvious Fear of Death.

Although some Buddhists and some spiritual friends of mine say they don't fear death.


Generally though, urbanely, we create all these unnecessary problems for ourselves to keep our minds occupied, and to stop us from dealing with the larger problems or challenges in life. Fear of rejection, fear of change.

IS THIS FOR REAL OR HAS OUR NEUROSIS BECOME COMMONPLACE. IT'S A JOKE. MUST BE.


I was reminded of NELSON MANDELA spending 27 years in a small hole of a cell on Robben Island and being treated like an animal.

For What? For speaking up for his HUMAN RIGHTS..Later we would all understand.


He then found the strength to emerge, and when he had the chance to show revenge on the regime that captured him............He chose mercy and tolerance.

Here is the poem he recited to himself and to his friends everyday.....



INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.



NOW WHEN WE THINK ABOUT WHETHER PEOPLE LIKE US, OR WHETHER WE FIT IN OR ARE PUTTING ON A FEW EXTRA POUNDS, OR WHERE TONIGHT'S PARTY IS......THINK ABOUT THIS..

27 YEARS and MERCY.

RL

SUCCESS and FEAR

I have just been reading some interesting quotes here in the sunny northern country air and they will be a welcome change from my previous blog on my views as woman as truly being art.


Dennis Waitley's Grandmother who had no formal education said this to him.....


"SUCCESS IS THE PROGRESSIVE REALIZATION OF A WORTHY IDEAL"

He then expanded into this....

"TOTAL SUCCESS IS THE CONTINUING INVOLVEMENT IN THE PURSUIT OF A WORTHY IDEAL, WHICH IS BEING REALIZED FOR THE BENEFIT OF OTHERS--RATHER THAN AT THEIR EXPENSE"

Both of these quotes interest me, and hopefully resonate with somebody else.


One other story today.



Everybody told RENOIR to give up painting, because he had no talent.

A group of artists who were rejected by the establishment of their time formed their own little group consisting of Degas, Pissaro, Monet, Cezanne and Renoir.

Five masters doing what they believed in while others laughed.


Later in in Renoir's life he had advanced rheumatism, particularly in his hands. When Matisse stopped by to see the aging painter, he noticed that every brush stroke was causing Renoir great pain.

"Why is it that you still have to work?" He asked Renoir.

The answer................


"The pain passes, but the pleasure, the creation of beauty, remains."

That's the inspiration that I received from the light today.

Rick

L'homme qui aimait les femmes

I HAVE BEEN WRITING ABOUT MY REVELATIONS AND CONSTIPATION'S ABOUT MY ENCOUNTERS WITH WOMAN ON THIS BLOG FOR A FEW MONTHS NOW.

I THOUGHT I WOULD JUST TRY TO PUT SOME SORT OF COHESION TO IT ALL FOR MY OWN SAKE.
IF THIS SEEMS TRITE OR GLIB FORGIVE ME.

THERE IS A FILM BY FRANCOIS TRUFFAUT CALLED "THE MAN WHO LOVED WOMAN". I SAW IT WHEN I WAS IN MY EARLY TEENS AND I THINK IT HAD A PROFOUND EFFECT ON ME.

IT IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL FILM AND PORTRAYS WOMAN IN AN ETHEREAL LIGHT THAT RESONATED WITH ME ON A SUBLIMINAL LEVEL AT THE TIME THAT I WASN'T EVEN AWARE OF.

THERE IS ANOTHER FRENCH FILM CALLED "CLARE'S KNEE" THAT WAS VERY BEAUTIFUL AS WELL.

GETTING PAST THAT.


IN MY 20'S I WAS A FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE BUT INSECURE YOUNG MAN WHO REALLY WASN'T SURE WHAT HIS IDENTITY CONSISTED OF.


I FELT THAT I NEEDED TO SLEEP WITH OLDER WOMAN TO PROVE THAT I WAS A MAN. IF THAT WAS MY GOAL, I ACCOMPLISHED IT.


GOD BLESS ALL OF THOSE LADIES THAT WERE NICE ENOUGH TO ME, TO MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL.


LET ME CLARIFY BY GIVING THIS DISCLAIMER THAT I AM NO MODERN DAY "LOTHARIO" JUST TRYING TO FIGURE MY ATTRACTIONS AND DISTRACTIONS OUT.


(I WAS ALSO THROUGH AN EARLY JOB MADE TO WATCH THE MOVIE AMERICAN GIGOLO MANY MANY TIMES, SOME TIMES I JUST WANTED THAT ARMANI AND THAT MERCEDES)


IN MY 30'S I MOVED AROUND ALOT GEOGRAPHICALLY AND THROUGH THOSE MOVES, THERE WERE EXECUTIVE SECRETARIES (TERRIBLE DECISION), MARRIED WOMAN AND TRIPS TO SAN FRANCISCO. INSANE, SWEET BUT MANIC-DEPRESSIVE WOMAN, THE LIST GOES ON.

HOWEVER, I AM NOT IMPRESSED WITH THIS OR WITH MY OTHER ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF THE TIME.



IN MY 40'S, I NO LONGER THINK WITH MY PENIS, LOOK TO "score" OR CARE ABOUT BODY SIZE OR AGE. (EXCEPT MY OWN)


I DON'T KNOW IF IT IS BECAUSE I WAS BROUGHT UP IN A HOUSE FULL OF WOMAN THAT I JUST RELATE TO WOMAN MUCH MORE NATURALLY THEN I DO WITH MEN.


MEN ARE PIGS I USE TO LIKE TO SAY, NOW I FEEL THAT THAT IS A RASH GENERALIZATION)


THEY SAY "YOU CAN'T LOVE SOMEBODY PROPERLY UNTIL YOU LOVE YOURSELF" THEY ALSO SAY "IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY, SET THEM FREE"

WHO ARE "THEY" ANYWAY, THERE IS ALOT OF POP PSYCHOLOGY ON LOVE OUT THERE, SOMETIMES IT'S A LITTLE OVERWHELMING.

"THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT" OR "YOU HAVE TO WORK AT A RELATIONSHIP"

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE, NO ONE OUT THERE KNOWS ANYTHING DEFINITIVE I THINK.


RIGHT NOW I FEEL COMFORTABLE SAYING THAT ALTHOUGH I WAS IN LOVE WITH AN EXCEPTIONAL YOUNG LADY A YEAR AGO AND I SCREWED IT UP, I DON'T KNOW IF IT WOULD HAVE WORKED. LUCKILY I AM OVER IT NOW AND I AM SURE SHE IS.

WOMAN.......................

I JUST LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM.
THEY JUST MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE.


I CAN SEE A WOMAN STANDING A CERTAIN WAY IN THE SUNLIGHT AS I HAPPEN TO WALK BY AND IT LITERALLY BUCKLES MY KNEES. I DON'T KNOW WHY. I LOVE LIGHT.


WOMAN ARE OFTEN WALKING WORKS OF ART TO ME.


SHOULD I PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK OR PUT MYSELF IN A STRAITJACKET AND STAY THERE INDEFINITELY? PROBABLY SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN.

WHEN THEY DID A SURVEY OF THOUSANDS OF WOMAN AND ASKED WHAT THE NUMBER 1 QUALITY THEY WANTED IN A MAN WAS.....IT WAS...........CONFIDENCE.......


YOU CAN'T DEFINE YOURSELF THROUGH ANOTHER PERSONS EYES THAT I BELIEVE.


ALSO, SOMETIMES BEING ALONE AND WORKING ON LARGER ISSUES LIKE AIDING ORPHANS OR HELPING THE DEPLETING ENVIRONMENT ARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT ISSUES THAN THE ONES I SPEAK OF. I HAVE THE LUXURY OF DABBLING IN THESE THOUGHTS.


BUT HEY, CAN'T YOU DO BOTH?


FOR A MAN LIKE MYSELF WHO LOVES WOMAN, THE QUESTIONS KEEP COMING, BUT THE RIDE IS FREE. (Actually it really isn't)


LET ME SAY AGAIN, I AM NOT THAT SPECIAL, JUST REALLY WANT TO BE WITH THE SPECIAL. IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, MY GENIE SAYS.

RICK SEPT 20th

RICK'S BAD ROBOTS and HOPE

I was reading a couple of interesting things that resonated with me yesterday that I can relate to myself and to some people close to me.

"Our minds can't tell the difference between real experience and one that is vividly and repeatedly imagined"

Obviously this could be very positive if you are trying to go forward with a pure and exciting idea that seems out out reach. Like living in Peru and helping a community with their philosophies of god knows what. These experiences just seem out of reach for the average person.


My Robot (self image)
I have a little Robot
That goes around with me;
I tell him what I'm thinking,
I tell him what I see.

I tell my little Robot
All my hopes and fears;
He listens and remembers
All my joys and tears.

At first my little Robot
Followed my command;
But after years of training
He's gotten out of hand.

He doesn't care what's right or wrong
Or what is false or true;
No matter what I try----NOW
HE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!


This is obviously coming from a place of powerlessness and self pity but we can all relate.


This last one comes from Madame Chiang Kai-shek, the first lady of China in the 40's.

If the past has taught us anything it is that every cause brings its effect, every action has a consequence. We Chinese have a saying "If a man plants melons he will reap melons; if he sows beans, he will reap beans"
And this is true of every one's life; good begets good, and evil leads to evil.
In the end, we are all the SUM TOTAL of our actions.

CHARACTER CANNOT BE COUNTERFEITED, nor can it be put on and cast off as if it were a GARMENT to meet the whim of the moment. Like the markings on wood which are ingrained in the very heart of the tree, CHARACTER REQUIRES TIME and NURTURING for growth and development.

Thus also, day by day, we WRITE OUR OWN DESTINY; for inexorably...........WE BECOME WHAT WE DO.


I know I try to do the right thing with people and for them, but you know, it's a work in progress.

There are a couple of people that I make very happy and continue to do so, and then there are a couple of people that I really have cared for that I have just crushed with disappointment, and I apologize.

If given a second chance, I would do it differently.

We will see if I ever get that second chance or I just apply that knowledge to another person in my new life and hope that it resonates well with them and puts a smile on their face, forever.


RICK

Mel and conspiracy theories and the passion of the christ

Its funny that some days many people call you from all parts of the world and demand some help in their lives.

You should be able to deliver it, but sometimes it's a little overwhelming.

I have a homeless man that I am helping in some way. But Karma wise he is helping me.
I have a formal girlfriend that is now a full fledged Lesbian. But hey, so what. I did my best.

There is a very special woman that wants to have some space. Great. Buy a loft. But I care.

Then there are a couple of people that are spreading rumours that I am having an affair with a sweet married friend.

I forgive them...It's human nature as they say. Not centered. But everyone is trying.

I feel like Mel Gibson without Brave heart some days. I don't know.

Be nice to people, respect their boundaries.

Oh and then there is this Red Headed Woman.. It does sometimes take a red headed woman... Just be prolific, be compassionate and it will all be good.

Where is Jim Caveziel one of the best artists of our generations? A prisoner?

Is it really just all a pastiche. come on.

Oh and here is the sunny news.

I couldn't give a flying fuck about ipods, macs, organics, pot, mother earth, new age religion. Bad hipster music, my celebrity acquaintances..calorie intake and body image..

It is all about connection, live..........Not cell phones and zanax and attention deficit disorder.


It takes a red headed woman to get a dirty job done.

RL