Auditions and Adrenaline.

At an acting workshop this weekend there was a lady with 40 years in the casting business who was saying some very nice things about my appearance in front of 23 people. "Now Rick is a very good looking man, we need men that look like this"... It really fed my dwindling sense of confidence as I was surrounded with so many passionate and gifted 20 somethings.

My acting had been mediocre that day, i will blame it partially on nerves, but I just wasn't very good. There were others there that had that special something that made you take notice. Why did I wait so long to actually study this craft? I always found it so interesting and such a good way to analyze how you deal with feelings and movement and speech.

(A couple of weeks ago, I had my craziest audition yet. I was thrown into the role of a Therapist, and my young Asian patient was very upset. Apparently I was behaving inappropriately. In the second scene she pretended to bind my hands up before losing her mind and slitting my throat. Talk about adrenaline. She was great in the role and got 3 callbacks before ultimately losing the role to another actress. In the last part, the British director was saying to me..."now beg for your life" )

Now I damn well know that looks fade, and that in my 50s, in a world that feeds so much upon consumption and image, I am a goner in the near future at best. That's where the actual craft comes in dumbass. (Never mind that I always worry if my weak heart will be able to perform under the injection of adrenaline that these auditions in front of a group can bring)

I have decided to follow this course up with another one that focuses on something called the Meisner technique, which is all about listening to your scene partner and a kind of sinking into the moment. There is also alot about repetition. Repetition when I blew my memory out with Alcohol many years ago.

For me, this is all new, and I will try to just focus on learning my lines and delivering them at this point.

I move into a new apartment in the next month and that brings with it a sense of the new and fresh. In a strange twist of fate, my building is close to my old high school. Bizarre, but the least of my worries.

I am still feeling lucky and grateful for the opportunities after so many life and death experiences in the last decade. This should be fun.

My writing is on the dull side today, but I wanted to just get something down, complete something.

One final note, I am thinking that my new space in the city will be filled with jazz and classical music and exotic foreign films. This idea excites me going forward.

Peace out from Orillia Ontario,

Rick

HEY OLD MAN....You are playing her father

There's a pool sitting out there. A solitary pool. A fucking heated pool. Perhaps I should plop my old ass in there.




What a perfect day. We got heat, we got recognition of self. We got a couple of animals running around. A couple of needy squirrels.




We got people responding to you . A new acting workshop. A place called EDEN down the street in Leaside.




So I had this wild audition this week for a fitness watch.

When I walked into the room with a young african Canadian actor guy. There was a young blonde actress sitting there that reminded me of a young grace kelly. I was told that I was her FATHER. WTF.

I can't possibly be old enough to play her father? Oh maybe I am . Maybe I am delusional.




So the other guy was playing her fiance. Firstly I had to go greet them. With him it was awkward as it should be I suppose. With her, she threw her arms around dad.

Then I had a couple of little scenes until the big moment.




"Now Rick, you are going to be walking your daughter down the aisle. She is nervous, look over at her, reassure her and walk her down the aisle." Now I knew nothing of this little Improv..




It turned out to be quite touching, the actress in character was sad and she cheered up subtly and beautifully , just like I actually was her father and not an imposter. In one of the four takes , it was especially powerful and touching for me. When everyone agrees to role play, it can be very powerful for the mind. Then we had to go outside to a field where I ran back and forth a few times with my daughter who was trying to get old dad into a little corporate shape.




Certainly this kind of role playing was very therapeutic for all the stuff that is happening around me. My new apartment fell through, but I am GRATEFUL. GRATEFUL for a new beginning and days like this .




One day I will look back on these moments in between with utter affection and love.




Rick

What happened to the Oxytocin?

Someone said to me recently that "getting out of a long relationship is like experiencing a death" Yes, thats how I feel. The five stages of grief.

That's what it feels like.  This person that you loved, this person who has been emotionally supportive for years, is now just falling off the map.

Why do relationships turn into extended friendships?

 In the beginning when the hormones and oxytocin is flowing, it all feels so beautiful and refreshing. Transcending time together...in the flow of life together. Somehow in the end, it turns out to be more about who is right? Right about what? 

Once the 18months of the honeymoon phase is over, it is more like a partnership.  You better hope that when the masks that we all wear are dropped completely, if they ever are...you better hope that your personalities match

You better hope that the rhythm of your souls work together.  Because if they don't, then other person will ALWAYS BE TRYING TO CHANGE YOU. BEWARE IF YOUR LOVER IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO CHANGE YOU.

I have been dealing with a series of close calls and disappointments recently. Out of 50 people , It was down to 3 which included myself, for a big commercial which has a big visibility factor and payed alot of money. After my agent gave me the impression that I got the job, I found out that I narrowly missed it. Then the apartment in Port Credit that I was moving into was given to somebody else.  So I live in family houses in basements and spare rooms in a travelling circus for the moment.

On the other hand, if I can just endure this part of my crazy freedom cycle, maybe I will have some stability by fall. These must be the real Daily Moves Outside My Comfort Zone.

I have been able to be more honest with myself recently and I hope that it will help the situation, because baring your soul to yourself can be a very depressing and sad thing. A scary thing. The little boy is wondering whats going on after the big me took away his friend that he relied on for so many emotional nuances, and changed his bed that he slept in every night for the last few years. 

Relationships that seem so bright in the beginning are simply a heart breaker. So many expectations, so many disappointment from her point of view as well.. So much settling for what you didn't expect.

I wont be in any relationship for a long while, this I know. However, I feel that if I set up the parameters of honest friendship correctly, maybe I can feel better about going forward.

I could say more, I have had some old friends come back into my life recently, and I think that this is something I should be grateful for. 

But the formula of the day seems to be:

RELATIONSHIPS = HEARTBREAK (at least for me in my dark basement right now)

I feel awful for my ex. She really is a fantastic person, but as a couple, it wasn't a positive situation. She will be fine, or are any of us ever fine?. Aren't we just trying to buy into a lifestyle that doesn't really exist?

Rick

Its hard to remember your lines when you are losing your mind

There's a grey haired optimistic man on a lonely stage.
His audience has yet to arrive. 
Its hard to remember your lines when you are losing your mind.


Change is good they say, and fear is supposed to be bad.  I am not sure if I am coming or going.

My relationship with this wonderful woman who helped guide me out of my addictive hole is over.

6 yrs of much happiness and fun was just not enough to sustain us through the muddy waters of disagreements, judgments and ugly arguments.

I will always love her, but for many reasons, we will have to try the stage of friendship instead, to continue to go through life with some connection.

Why is it that when you breakup, it feels like a failure, even though you know that wonderful things are out there in the near future. Important things like independence, clarity, honesty and love.

Other good things are happening in my life....  My auditions are starting to get more professional on my end and it looks like I may have a booking soon. I have found a cozy little bachelor apartment in a cute waterside Canadian town. 

But first I have to come face to face with myself and who the hell I really am? and who I can no longer pretend to be.  It can be so god damn exhausting to pretend. I need someone who will except me for myself.

But first a little meditation and a little celibacy. The pain is good I think. I am very lucky to have such wonderful family and friends around me during this time. I am truly blessed.

I feel sad though to think of my ex, navigating life without me right there by her side. Oh well, there I go again with that ...I want to control things..thought.


Until next time.

Rick

Don't mess with a missionary man...who thinks he can act....

Last year my heart sped up to 180 beats per minute and I checked into the local hospital for 5 days...There were no real answers.  Who knows why it happened? Could it still be the drinking...after 4 yrs sober. Scarring of the heart is a possibility
..but they didn't really know...

I got some pills to take that were literally killing me for a few months...Luckily, I am off one of the pills now and can walk down the street again.

After a few financially unsuccessful moves like ...The bios urn...I am turning to possibly performing again...who would have thought?..I am learning a monologue from the movie Kramer vs Kramer. A part embedded into my subconscious after working as an usher in a movie theatre many years ago.

The idea going forward here is....heart will keep beating and I will start working in the film industry as a very small player...small but employed...

I would love to move back to BC...to Vancouver island...One of the most beautiful places on earth..Thus the move.

Watched Liv and Ingmar last night...An absolutely stunning and poignant documentary about two Artists...two geniuses that shared a love affair and a friendship for the ages...

It reminded me that it is ok to love and to create and be honest with yourself and move on if necessary...because life is too short...The final scenes in his old island home on Faro are heartbreaking and life affirming at the same time...I cried...

Maybe its time to see a Swedish movie very soon...after i get home from a couple of days in Algonqin park with an old buddy...

Are we ever sure that we are making the right choices?...I would like to be more sure
..but I will just go with it for now...

Rick

The mirror doesn't lie

I was in the middle of filming a documentary idea on Aging...The Age Game...when i had a computer problem that set me back a bit. A couple of people close to me suggested that I should get some headshots done and try to get some modelling or acting work...( " you have got the look for it")

Because of some concerns and issues with my heart in the last year I have decided to give it a go...The psychology being....I cant walk very far or lift anything right now, so maybe I could survive sitting in front of a camera, and it could pay some bills.

The same day I made that decision, a friend from California sent me an old headshot from the late 80s I had taken at the time.

So here comes the mind fuck part...

I put down a project where I was talking to people about the hardships and realities of their struggles with aging, and while looking at a portrait of myself done in the 80s....suddenly I had to focus on my 53 year old (yup 53!) face through the lense of a high powered industry standard Canon camera...





I got these pictures taken by a very talented young lady,  however we didnt use a studio so the lighting was harsh and very difficult to control...Am I nuts...can you move that lense a little farther back please....like all the way to Ohio! I suppose that my karma was (if you believe in that everything happens for a reason stuff) saying to me...take a good look at yourself you vein bastard.

You cannot help but take a good look at the aging process from a physical point of view when you have 50 ultra high definition photos you have to edit in order to pander yourself to some unforeseen agent.

So as I continue on in this summer project, I am hoping that somewhere there is an agent who will say,  that guy could sell some hemoroid cream or viagara.
Yup...gladly i would do it,  I will be the new face of executive diapers if they would let me!  Damn straight, I want to travel and I am broke. Integrety? Wheres the integrity in sitting at home writing and thinking with an empty bank account?

As I try to sell out this old body and face, I cant help but reflect back on my youth and the hopes and dreams of the early 80s. I felt so strong and invincible, relationships felt so fluid. (boo hoo...i know)

Now I have maybe a 2 year window before my appearance starts to fade a little more. Oh yes, its happening fast to me and to all my friends and family.

My goal is to quiet my emotions going forward, to give myself a break from the constant chatter in my mind and in the media about perfection and chicken necks.

Beauty is skin deep? Nothing comes between me and my Calvins? (thats something else)

I know there are alot of haters of the positivity movement, but if you don't have some kind of positive mantra or thinking process in place as your body and looks fade into the dust....you will be stepped on by society and mostly...by your critical self.

I hope I am not complaining too much...I am still alive and kicking with great support from family and friends. I am damned lucky....But dissatisfied with all these damn lines on my face!

I may just need to fix my computer fan and go back to being a hack behind the camera instead and work harder on my Deepak Chopra interpretation.



Rick (without hisspellcheck)

THE AGE GAME

Spring has come to Ontario this 2016.

I wonder if it makes you feel rejuvenated to have another spring pop up if you are 80 years old, or do you feel a little fearful and ambivalent.  I am in the early stages of putting together a documentary on Aging.  I have already sent the idea to myself and it sits in a sealed envelope somewhere, just in case  somebody was thinking, hey...I will invest my time in somebody else s idea and I am going out tonight to buy the camera and sound equipment.  

Doing research for this film has brought me down an interesting road.  It's incredibly relevant for me personally to figure out how people are handling their old age, how they are handling it emotionally, physically, and what their suggestions are on how someone like myself can handle it when it arrives. (Actually, it's not really about my future at all)

One of the gentlemen that I am going to be filming was talking to me about Age Regression....This guy is 80 and still trains athletes in the gym, and is telling me that it is possible to go in the other direction.  What a breath of fresh air this guy is.

I have come across some powerful quotes...one of my favorites is by Thoreau...

"None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm."

Isn't that part of it...When we get older, we lose our enthusiasm...we lose our passion...we lose our taste for excitement and the unknown. We don't seek out new friendships and ideas with the same vigor we did in our youth. 

(However, I believe I can look forward to talking about the weather alot and also being part of many conversations about people who have a new ache and pain..)

Aging is one third Genetic and two thirds lifestyle apparently..There is lots to the subject and I am feeling lucky to be immersed in it.  The advice that I read is actually more likely to be used by people in their early 50s to really make a difference for them going forward.. Some of it is fairly obvious...exercise 30 minutes a day...eat sparingly and mostly a plant based or Mediterranean type diet...spend an hour a day doing something you love...

THE QUESTION REMAINS:  HOW DO SENIOR CITIZENS REKINDLE THEIR ENTHUSIASM AND PASSION FOR LIFE?   How do they turn around the tendency to be complacent and to awfulize the short future that awaits. How do they come to grips with the meaning that their life has held or not held?  How do they handle all their friends passing away in grotesque fashion over the years?

Scientists have isolated something called TALOMERES which are the tips of your DNA molecules...These things get a little smaller as you age and thats why we go down hill.. There are also many new breakthroughs on the horizon in this area, and it is very possible that we will be able to live well past 125 years.....in the near future..

I will explore some of these ideas in my film THE AGE GAME... I am fascinated with the subject and now I hope that I can do it some justice...I still dont have any answer to the question about the loss of enthusiasm though...Maybe trick the mind just a bit?  Teach an old dog new tricks? NEVER SURRENDER?

I write this tonight from a cottage where I have a full week to meditate, cleanse my body with nutrition and watch all the old foreign films I want, without anybody around me to tell me differently.

Oh and I enjoy photographing nature whenever I can...damn right...

Rick