Joan Didion and aesthetic lust in Taiwan

Its funny how I have come full circle with my new/old 35mm camera. My digital killer of a camera is so great, but I realized that nothing can really replace the look of film. This isn't my own isolated observation, it is the thoughts of many photographers. So long story short, I picked one up from a cool older eccentric of  a man and I love it. Here is an example of the different look that is possible.
So I will have a little arsenal going on, I actually have three here. I believe most photographers have many, however I don't want to become an obsessive about it. Lots of fun. Am I really saving the money that I had originally planned on?...no, but who really cares.

I have been reading a little Joan Didion who is just so real and accurate with her sentiment about everything from the 60s culture to dealing with grief...incredible woman. I have also been reading Augusten Burroughs who is so smart and funny and neurotic that it is always a pleasure to drop by to  his gay, cultured urban circus of a life. Its Burroughs book Dry which recounts his battle with alcoholism that I recently recommended to a close friend who has been battling against addiction for some time now. I have many ideas for this person and I hope I will be able to contribute to their future health and welfare, because the alternative is too sickening to think about. I am trying to break through to them as I write this.

Recently I have photographed one or two attractive models for a project of mine, and it has been one of those situations where you are not really sure what to do with the experience. Unfortunately in the old days of drunken parties and all night benders I accumulated a bit of a reputation as a player or certainly as a guy that loved woman. When you are hammered for 7200 days straight as I was...it is not going to be a situation where you invest in peoples personalities and integrity and you come out the other side smelling like roses yourself. Lets face it, its a fucking mess.

Revolving depression, guilt, shame and apologies, and too many nights spent simmering over things that nobody really cares about, that was my reality back then. There is no point in trying to live in the past repairing a reputation, I feel like the only way out has been to move forward one step at a time for many years now.  Back to my love for woman though. I grew up with three fantastic woman in my childhood house and I loved girls from a very early age;  kissing them and holding hands with them long before I think it was age appropriate. I appreciate woman now for much more than their playful aesthetic, but I still cant help feeling a little gobsmacked when I encounter the raw beauty full on.

 Humans gravitate towards beautiful things, its not a concept, its a fact. Beauty releases pleasure chemicals into our brains and we know in an instant whether a person is beautiful or not. We love people because of the way they make us feel...and because of my past obsession with this reality and my ridiculous need for male validation... that comes with getting looks from the opposite sex most of my life...I am totally screwed up on this level.

Beautiful minds also turn me on! Let me state that I'm surviving with a lot of balance now and that includes my personal relationships with women. I have a wonderful friendship in Taipei and I have been with only a couple of partners since arriving here in Taiwan, despite me embracing the fact that the Asian beauty here is abundant and crippling. I feel that this is an example of balance, but it is really not the example I should probably use.

Now as a photographer I have taken some very interesting photos this year and some of the best are portraits of women. I get so much pleasure from taking these photos. Not some soft core vacuous photos for Instagram, but some real photos of substance, and yes some with an undertone of natural sensuality. I made the decision to treat all of my models with integrity and with a professional touch so to avoid any issues or misunderstanding. So far I believe that each one of them has had a wonderful experience, or at least a tolerable one, they have been happy with the end product.

I am loving my photography. I have taken over 8000 photos in one year, and as I was explaining to someone, it really gives me a focus and keeps me out of potential trouble and yet....my mind wanders. I certainly don't feel like a man over 50 now,  I am still in awe, and yearning  and fixating and loving. I am still happy and unhappy in love and it is spectacular..

The key for me is to offer people something positive if they want to accept it and to never initiate any type of dishonesty or conflict. So far so good. Don Miquel Ruiz might approve, or maybe not, there is still the question of what to do with all this aesthetic lust and craving. Oh yeah, its a work in progress, and I may document it in 35mm...

Feb 21st, 2019

It's been over a year and the old man is still rocking away...on some Island .

Yeah It's been over a year in Taiwan and It is full speed ahead. Well lets consider the fact that there is not much speed going on here at all. My sobriety has almost reached the 7 year mark and that is still really hard to believe , because that situation was so dark and so all encompassing.

I have signed a new contract and have passed a new medical exam so I will officially be here until 2020 now. Why leave? Taipei is such a great city. Sure we have Typhoons and Earthquakes and summer humidity that makes you want to cry, but I do love it. My personal Chinese lessons will begin tomorrow night and I am hoping that I will receive the tools that I have been lacking, because my Chinese language skills at this point are piss poor.

The thing that really turns me on is my photography. I have a full studio setup in my loft apartment now, and the photos that I am able to deliver (via my 42 megapixel mirrorless baby) are quite interesting. Now in Toronto I was doing the odd commercial and I was sober but I was quite stagnant broke and miserable most of the time. It wasn't terrible , but I realized that I only had about 10 really strong years left so I better make some kind of a move. 

It turns out that action is the only cure... not sitting around chanting mantras or visualizing something. It's making a decision based on the data available and then just DOING IT.

I have had some challenges here. I had to have a small operation to fix a small heart situation that popped up, and the recovery went kind of wrong. I had to get cut open a second time and this time I was fully awake. This situation looks like it has resolved itself. 

Life continues to be very good. I am grateful and although I don't believe in God  these days, I feel that the Universe has aligned itself with my life in a way that is working quite well. 

I continue to teach children each day and it can get very tiring but I think I am making a difference. I am not the best teacher out there, but I really love it when I can connect and make a 7 year old laugh or have a couple of them chant my name when they see me. \

Personal life? Yes there is one. I will keep it private for now. I have been very lucky. The old man is still rocking away. New Orleans will probably win the super bowl, the Leafs are playoff bound and the Freddie Mercury movie just won best picture at the Golden Globes... Its unbelievable!!!

The puzzle is coming together magically...

These images are popping off the screen with my new camera. A little bit of timing and grace and a lot of technology.

Life continues to amaze me here in Taipei. My mother is coming to visit in two weeks which will be her first trip in many years to Asia, She is 74 and has expressed a wish to go on the back of my powerful scooter up the side of the local mountain..and I will carefully oblige. I anticipate her having a great time as long as I do my tour guide job and live with a little compassion.

After all the self help books that never really took me anywhere wonderful, I have come to the realization that nobody out there really knows anything. Nobody knows why we are rotating in space at 1000 miles an hour for absolutely no apparent reason. All the so called experts on meditation and reincarnation actually admit that they have spent many years trying to quiet their minds but haven't really attained it except in spurts. All the so called reasons as to why we are going to come back in a different form by way of Karma or go to heaven and live there like kings etc..all these ideas are pure conjecture and have not basis in fact.

What am I rambling about? We have to find a beautiful distraction or two or three and find a way to live with ourselves in harmony while we are here. This whole journey for us and for everybody throughout history maybe absolutely meaningless. Obviously I agree with the idea of  right action and not actually causing anybody harm while I am here.

However, in the context of finding meaning ...I am very glad to be doing something about it from Taipei, such an unbelievable life journey I am on here. Teaching these kids can be really great some days and the pure independence of this adventure is really the theme for me. I have maybe a good 10 years left of solid work years here and I can go in so many directions from there. Photographs have been a really fun thing. Helps me to not dwell on things like my Defibrillator and my heart issues or my constant battle ( now almost 7 years of Sobriety) with abstinence.

Let me pull a few more pieces of the puzzle together and a few more creative projects and personal relationships and we will have real liftoff of a life that I can actual be proud of after so many years of ..well...shame and sorrow.

Rick

Photographs are saving my life...

I'm obsessing with a full frame 42 MP mirrorless camera that I am going to get.  My photography game has started to become more proficient and I am really enjoying  just becoming immersed in taking some honest, striking images.

Taking these photos helps me forget about my age, or my physical limitations or my lack of real finances.  It is so damn therapeutic its ridiculous. Why didn't I pick up on this in my 20s when we had that darkroom.

Living here in Taipei is grand.  I am working my ass off teaching everyday, but I believe that I am making a difference in some students lives and they are enjoying me on some level.  Most days anyway, when I don't have to be this disgusting Dickens like taskmaster from hell.

I just watched an documentary on Henry Cartier Bresson that was incredibly inspiring.  He was called the most significant photographer of the 20th century and when asked about it he just modestly laughed and said it was just a bullshit label.

This weekend I will go for a train ride and stay over night in a modern hotel on a farm area in the mountains somewhere that I picked out of nowhere.  I am sure the photographs will be mouth watering, although does anybody really want to see another closeup of a tulip or a scenic shot of a mountain?

Its the shot of people that really gets you. You have a visceral reaction to human beings, and I love capturing them up close. Not to Dianne Arbus their asses, but to catch a moment without their ability to put up that mask.

Next week I will travel by high speed train alone to the south of Taiwan for a few days to take a rest and vacation by the beach which will be equally grand.

I have a great girlfriend who is sweet and honest and unpretentious but the issue remains that she is not allowed to travel with a man until she is married. So I will be travelling alone for the time being.

Here is a sample of a photo I shot that I love:

I have really done it

I haven't posted in some time. I have been living a wonderful life here in Taipei. All aspects of my life are going very well. I've worked hard teaching students from the ages of 4 to 13 and although it has had its challenging moments, my school is starting to consider me as a valuable Teacher in their system.

I've got a regular acting gig on live TV here as a CEO of a US skincare line. That's all I can say about it , but it has been a blast. I have been in a commercial as well.

I have also become more proficient at photography and have been working on project I am creating called Fierce Beauty where I have met and been photographing some interesting woman.

I have come in contact with some interesting people, but have been blessed to have met Pauline (that's not her Chinese name) who has been my balanced, honest and sweet friend and confident for six months now. I am very lucky to have her in my life here.

In the beginning I lived with some young Chinese students and shared everything. It was difficult for an older geezer like myself to adjust.  In the early days here there was nothing that was set in stone, I had no idea if I could get the right visa to stay here longer and pass the physical examination that was needed. I wasn't sure where I would work and whether I could sustain an income here. I had no idea man.

Really I just went with my gut in Toronto which said...You have to make a major change in your life man..There might not be much time for adventure left in your little world. I was in a rut and my life consisted of basically going on auditions and doing extra work and smoking great pot all the time. It wasn't very fulfilling to say the least. 

So I took a chance and made a physical move to Asia on a hunch and it has been fantastic. I have earned my own studio on a rooftop of a building near the coveted 101 building and I love my area. My chinese still is awful but I am learning slowly...Very slowly.

I take it one day at a time with gratitude...however I would say that buying self help books and smoking dope but never actually physically making any big moves was not the answer for me. You have to actually make the move.. Do it . 

So life is good. This is the life I was meant to be living. From this place I can figure out the other big questions. Who knows, I may even start my own family at my old age. What a transformation that would be. Lets see how that plays out.

Bye for now.

Rick

It's Working Well....

I'm convinced that all of these self help mantras I've read over the years that spoke about   

manifesting your destiny...ultimately amount to nothing without the absolute key, which is ...take an action.

Make a decision outside of your usual locked in daily thinking and fantastic
results will occur.

Coming back to Taiwan has resulted in amazing moments and feelings of fulfillment. I have been challenged here as original plans and jobs fell through. So what...plan B...

I perservered and moved to Taipei alone and now I am teaching full time and doing acting gigs on the side...
The acting gig I've done three time as a CEO of a skin care line on live tv here has been an absolute blast.

I have a good female friend here who has been an amazing supporter so far and I've been able to battle through some colds and toothaches and fatigue... and amazingly I am still standing.

These are good days! New worlds are starting to open and now I am just waiting for the right visa to come through so I can make a bigger mark.

Life is fresh and surprising again and I am very grateful.

Stay tuned..

Rick

Moving your body across the world

I have had a good solid year of small acting gigs (Own network and Reelz) and background acting gigs on Designated Survivor and Suits.

So it even seemed like an unlikely decision for myself to turn my back on this recent success and say..."why do I feel kind of dead inside?"  I realized I needed something exciting to happen. I needed something to change.

Why not make a change happen.  Here is the genesis of my idea to go back to Taiwan.

I had just completed a screenwriting online course and I was offered an ESL teaching course for 15 dollars. I thought, what a bargain, so before I knew it I had signed up. That got me thinking, "maybe I could teach in Asia again if I am physically fit enough and if I could scrounge up the cash to make it happen".

The next step was actually submitting my name for a job in China. I heard back from the school within an hour and they said I was shortlisted for the position. I started to get a bit of the old adrenaline flowing again. However the more I thought of China and its oppressive pollution in the cities that were being offered, the more I wasn't sure. Was I going for it or not?

I conferred with my friend Steve in Taiwan (on facebook) that I hadn't seen for 10 years, and he asked me why I wasn't considering Taiwan again?
Well, I really enjoyed Taiwan in my previous two trips but there was a bit of a sour taste left in my mouth because of the way I was deported due to a Visa overstay.

The more we talked, the more I realized that I needed to know someone, anyone... in a foreign country. It would be good to know Steve, he could help me get the scooter I needed, and to hookup to the phone system, and we could meet after class etc.

He assured me that there was a job waiting or several like it for a guy like me. That was it.  I arranged for a close friend to look after my place and before I knew it, I purchased that ticket online.

Holy shit, I have just committed to go teach in Taiwan, wow, Im over 50 now with a heart issue, am I out of my fricking mind.

No I hope not. I was waking up each day with a new bounce in my step. 22 hours away by plane was an Island the size of Vancouver Island with 22 million people.The cities I would be in Taoyuan is dirty, hot and industrial with the odd earthquake and typhoon.

This will be a great challenge. There is an opportunity to save a little money for my new investment account that I have opened. I need to have some type of investment to fall back on. Living paycheck to paycheck sucks.

Would you decide to go from a balanced but slightly unfulfilled life to a life on the set of the real life blade runner?

I have also been in contact with some acting and modelling agencies in Taipei and they are interested in meeting me. I believe that a older white guy who can still occasionally bring the goods, might be in demand there. I love teaching the kids so that part is always very fulfilling and should take care of itself on the emotional meter.

That's the story though. I will miss all my close friends (including a  very sweet and sexy woman I have been dating)and supportive family, after the initial stunned response, everyone  has been very supportive. 

I am off for a quick dental surgery to remove my wisdom tooth in the next couple of days and then it is the final preparations to move this old body across the world. Wish me luck. If it doesn't

work out as smoothly as I have anticipated, let it be noted here that I needed to break out of my doldrums and take a chance again.

Rick