Its hard to remember your lines when you are losing your mind

There's a grey haired optimistic man on a lonely stage.
His audience has yet to arrive. 
Its hard to remember your lines when you are losing your mind.


Change is good they say, and fear is supposed to be bad.  I am not sure if I am coming or going.

My relationship with this wonderful woman who helped guide me out of my addictive hole is over.

6 yrs of much happiness and fun was just not enough to sustain us through the muddy waters of disagreements, judgments and ugly arguments.

I will always love her, but for many reasons, we will have to try the stage of friendship instead, to continue to go through life with some connection.

Why is it that when you breakup, it feels like a failure, even though you know that wonderful things are out there in the near future. Important things like independence, clarity, honesty and love.

Other good things are happening in my life....  My auditions are starting to get more professional on my end and it looks like I may have a booking soon. I have found a cozy little bachelor apartment in a cute waterside Canadian town. 

But first I have to come face to face with myself and who the hell I really am? and who I can no longer pretend to be.  It can be so god damn exhausting to pretend. I need someone who will except me for myself.

But first a little meditation and a little celibacy. The pain is good I think. I am very lucky to have such wonderful family and friends around me during this time. I am truly blessed.

I feel sad though to think of my ex, navigating life without me right there by her side. Oh well, there I go again with that ...I want to control things..thought.


Until next time.

Rick

Don't mess with a missionary man...who thinks he can act....

Last year my heart sped up to 180 beats per minute and I checked into the local hospital for 5 days...There were no real answers.  Who knows why it happened? Could it still be the drinking...after 4 yrs sober. Scarring of the heart is a possibility
..but they didn't really know...

I got some pills to take that were literally killing me for a few months...Luckily, I am off one of the pills now and can walk down the street again.

After a few financially unsuccessful moves like ...The bios urn...I am turning to possibly performing again...who would have thought?..I am learning a monologue from the movie Kramer vs Kramer. A part embedded into my subconscious after working as an usher in a movie theatre many years ago.

The idea going forward here is....heart will keep beating and I will start working in the film industry as a very small player...small but employed...

I would love to move back to BC...to Vancouver island...One of the most beautiful places on earth..Thus the move.

Watched Liv and Ingmar last night...An absolutely stunning and poignant documentary about two Artists...two geniuses that shared a love affair and a friendship for the ages...

It reminded me that it is ok to love and to create and be honest with yourself and move on if necessary...because life is too short...The final scenes in his old island home on Faro are heartbreaking and life affirming at the same time...I cried...

Maybe its time to see a Swedish movie very soon...after i get home from a couple of days in Algonqin park with an old buddy...

Are we ever sure that we are making the right choices?...I would like to be more sure
..but I will just go with it for now...

Rick

The mirror doesn't lie

I was in the middle of filming a documentary idea on Aging...The Age Game...when i had a computer problem that set me back a bit. A couple of people close to me suggested that I should get some headshots done and try to get some modelling or acting work...( " you have got the look for it")

Because of some concerns and issues with my heart in the last year I have decided to give it a go...The psychology being....I cant walk very far or lift anything right now, so maybe I could survive sitting in front of a camera, and it could pay some bills.

The same day I made that decision, a friend from California sent me an old headshot from the late 80s I had taken at the time.

So here comes the mind fuck part...

I put down a project where I was talking to people about the hardships and realities of their struggles with aging, and while looking at a portrait of myself done in the 80s....suddenly I had to focus on my 53 year old (yup 53!) face through the lense of a high powered industry standard Canon camera...





I got these pictures taken by a very talented young lady,  however we didnt use a studio so the lighting was harsh and very difficult to control...Am I nuts...can you move that lense a little farther back please....like all the way to Ohio! I suppose that my karma was (if you believe in that everything happens for a reason stuff) saying to me...take a good look at yourself you vein bastard.

You cannot help but take a good look at the aging process from a physical point of view when you have 50 ultra high definition photos you have to edit in order to pander yourself to some unforeseen agent.

So as I continue on in this summer project, I am hoping that somewhere there is an agent who will say,  that guy could sell some hemoroid cream or viagara.
Yup...gladly i would do it,  I will be the new face of executive diapers if they would let me!  Damn straight, I want to travel and I am broke. Integrety? Wheres the integrity in sitting at home writing and thinking with an empty bank account?

As I try to sell out this old body and face, I cant help but reflect back on my youth and the hopes and dreams of the early 80s. I felt so strong and invincible, relationships felt so fluid. (boo hoo...i know)

Now I have maybe a 2 year window before my appearance starts to fade a little more. Oh yes, its happening fast to me and to all my friends and family.

My goal is to quiet my emotions going forward, to give myself a break from the constant chatter in my mind and in the media about perfection and chicken necks.

Beauty is skin deep? Nothing comes between me and my Calvins? (thats something else)

I know there are alot of haters of the positivity movement, but if you don't have some kind of positive mantra or thinking process in place as your body and looks fade into the dust....you will be stepped on by society and mostly...by your critical self.

I hope I am not complaining too much...I am still alive and kicking with great support from family and friends. I am damned lucky....But dissatisfied with all these damn lines on my face!

I may just need to fix my computer fan and go back to being a hack behind the camera instead and work harder on my Deepak Chopra interpretation.



Rick (without hisspellcheck)

THE AGE GAME

Spring has come to Ontario this 2016.

I wonder if it makes you feel rejuvenated to have another spring pop up if you are 80 years old, or do you feel a little fearful and ambivalent.  I am in the early stages of putting together a documentary on Aging.  I have already sent the idea to myself and it sits in a sealed envelope somewhere, just in case  somebody was thinking, hey...I will invest my time in somebody else s idea and I am going out tonight to buy the camera and sound equipment.  

Doing research for this film has brought me down an interesting road.  It's incredibly relevant for me personally to figure out how people are handling their old age, how they are handling it emotionally, physically, and what their suggestions are on how someone like myself can handle it when it arrives. (Actually, it's not really about my future at all)

One of the gentlemen that I am going to be filming was talking to me about Age Regression....This guy is 80 and still trains athletes in the gym, and is telling me that it is possible to go in the other direction.  What a breath of fresh air this guy is.

I have come across some powerful quotes...one of my favorites is by Thoreau...

"None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm."

Isn't that part of it...When we get older, we lose our enthusiasm...we lose our passion...we lose our taste for excitement and the unknown. We don't seek out new friendships and ideas with the same vigor we did in our youth. 

(However, I believe I can look forward to talking about the weather alot and also being part of many conversations about people who have a new ache and pain..)

Aging is one third Genetic and two thirds lifestyle apparently..There is lots to the subject and I am feeling lucky to be immersed in it.  The advice that I read is actually more likely to be used by people in their early 50s to really make a difference for them going forward.. Some of it is fairly obvious...exercise 30 minutes a day...eat sparingly and mostly a plant based or Mediterranean type diet...spend an hour a day doing something you love...

THE QUESTION REMAINS:  HOW DO SENIOR CITIZENS REKINDLE THEIR ENTHUSIASM AND PASSION FOR LIFE?   How do they turn around the tendency to be complacent and to awfulize the short future that awaits. How do they come to grips with the meaning that their life has held or not held?  How do they handle all their friends passing away in grotesque fashion over the years?

Scientists have isolated something called TALOMERES which are the tips of your DNA molecules...These things get a little smaller as you age and thats why we go down hill.. There are also many new breakthroughs on the horizon in this area, and it is very possible that we will be able to live well past 125 years.....in the near future..

I will explore some of these ideas in my film THE AGE GAME... I am fascinated with the subject and now I hope that I can do it some justice...I still dont have any answer to the question about the loss of enthusiasm though...Maybe trick the mind just a bit?  Teach an old dog new tricks? NEVER SURRENDER?

I write this tonight from a cottage where I have a full week to meditate, cleanse my body with nutrition and watch all the old foreign films I want, without anybody around me to tell me differently.

Oh and I enjoy photographing nature whenever I can...damn right...

Rick

A NEW VIDEO SERIES

I am working on my video series called The Neighborhood.. Canadians speaking about America.
I will pull the different episodes together and include them in an Art Installation. I hope. On the wall I will also feature some flashing photographs of Canadians being physically dragged off somewhere...but where?


I have included the second video in the previous post.. It feels great to be working on this subject that is so prevalent right now as Donald Trump makes a big run at the White house.. The idea of all those nuclear weapons in the wrong hands, makes me and millions of Canadians and Europeans very nervous. But whats the alternative? Would the US ever invade Canada? The budget for the video series is non existence so I scramble to make it look and sound except able to people that have short attention spans and are use to high tech, good looking videos.


Working on this project has created that "flow" of energy that was missing in my life for a while.
Waking up with that passion and excitement that old age sucks out of you is very special. I know that the term old age is a little offensive, but there it is.


Our galaxy has 30 billion stars and the universe holds 300 billion galaxies. What I am saying is that we have no answers for any big questions, so its much  better for me to distract myself with some passionate projects.. We know that all of this cant have just happened by accident, yet it seems that everything is totally random. At least I can control the angle of a camera shot and the rhythm of the edit.


I also had a dream last night about a passionate love affair from the past. Going to the ROM...seemed so real and I felt so alive..until I woke up... I was pissed.  I got up and started to channel my disappointment into something creative and had a great day..Life is good.

Its been a while..

Rick

THE CANADIAN CONCERN--The Neighborhood

Sitting on a dock..on a lake....nobody around....its rejuvenation.

In the background after taking a good hour to digest the beauty...I am listening to Pema Chodron the Buddhist talk about Shenpa.
.
Shenpa being the attachment of the mind to things and emotions..not just attachment...but the hook they have over you..

.She talks about a feeling that we automatically close up when faced with one of these hooks..

I know that I personally get sucked into a vortex of revolving thoughts about obligations, guilt, food, sex, abstinence, and a plethora of others.

She talks about being gentle with ourselves...we apparently say hundreds of negative, critical things about ourselves everyday and for me.. this has to be recognized and softly changed in order to have a certain freedom of the mind and soul.

For me, I have a deep feeling of shame and guilt for not living up to a certain projected life or potential. This hits me alot...paralyzing me with fear.

One way to help with this is to practice something called.."one at the beginning and one at the end" Simply explained..its about setting intentions in the morning (whether spiritual or not) and reviewing your day at night..without being too brutal on yourself.....The real magic of this act lies deep within the ritual..Good things start to happen...a contentment... a peacefulness....or just more feelings of failure to complete a special task..I am not sure yet.

I have alot of empathy for all of us who are faced with suffering, guilt and feelings of inadequacy on a daily basis. It sucks and is not real..Our self perceptions are terribly skued.

Getting close to nature makes me feel so much love and connection though....but like most of us. the merrygoround of thoughts about food and my cell phone have started to swirl again.
I don't mean to complain..today I am happy out here.

Rick