Happily miserable

Im up north watching my mothers cat Lucy for a couple of days. My body is telling me its a great time for a full on cold!

Its always such a challenge to get sick. The mental gymnastics you go through and self loathing are horrible.

Its lack of sleep and lack of oxygen i think that starts working on me. So I like to run through all the questionable circumstances in my life in a 5 minute loop...Im happy and miserable i think. Im happily miserable.

I found some old family photos that include some baby photos of myself...i look like a very innocent and happy child. Poor guy had no idea what was in store.

Its the middle of the night and i could go on..except im groggy and cranky...

Thats it from the front lines for now.

Doubts in the September heat

Its the middle of September already and its hot here in Toronto Canada, like it is the middle of summer.What the heck is going on?

 I am sitting at my table in my little apartment in midtown...listening to some meditation music and taking a quick check in on my emotional state and my thoughts.

Here are two quotes I just came across. "Infuse your sensitivities with courage"...Daniel Laporte

This one is simple but strong, and then there is this one:

"To live in an evolutionary spirit means to engage with full ambition and without reserve in the structure of the present, and yet to let go and flow into a new structure when the right time has come"
Eric Jantsch

Although this one has some new age buzz words in it, I do like the imagery of flowing into a new structure with ease.


I am still going on my auditions and doing my background acting , and all is well! I have my small victories and that is enough for me at the moment.
It wouldn't be enough if I didn't have this new project i am doing where I will film people who love their art but hold down a second job to make ends meet. There are a couple of individuals that are stepping forward for this one and I know  there will be a real soul connection for us in the end.

I bought a camera for the project and a tripod and I worry that I don't have the right sound capabilities and professional history to make this thing work.  How can I edit 4k video on my lousy laptop, its not going to work...

As I sit here I have all sorts of doubts. However, this film is a perfect little vehicle for my brain. Something that will flow effortlessly at times and also offer me some moments to polish footage and reflect on some very human ideas about art and desire.

I do need to have some courage, more courage, no doubt. I just read that the blood thinner I am on causes major issues with internal bleeding. So rather than focus on that, I will focus on the project for now. Seems spiritual enough.

Rick

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