There's a grey haired optimistic man on a lonely stage.
His audience has yet to arrive.
Its hard to remember your lines when you are losing your mind.
Change is good they say, and fear is supposed to be bad. I am not sure if I am coming or going.
My relationship with this wonderful woman who helped guide me out of my addictive hole is over.
6 yrs of much happiness and fun was just not enough to sustain us through the muddy waters of disagreements, judgments and ugly arguments.
I will always love her, but for many reasons, we will have to try the stage of friendship instead, to continue to go through life with some connection.
Why is it that when you breakup, it feels like a failure, even though you know that wonderful things are out there in the near future. Important things like independence, clarity, honesty and love.
Other good things are happening in my life.... My auditions are starting to get more professional on my end and it looks like I may have a booking soon. I have found a cozy little bachelor apartment in a cute waterside Canadian town.
But first I have to come face to face with myself and who the hell I really am? and who I can no longer pretend to be. It can be so god damn exhausting to pretend. I need someone who will except me for myself.
But first a little meditation and a little celibacy. The pain is good I think. I am very lucky to have such wonderful family and friends around me during this time. I am truly blessed.
I feel sad though to think of my ex, navigating life without me right there by her side. Oh well, there I go again with that ...I want to control things..thought.
Until next time.
Rick
